Weighty issues...

I went to my doctor today to have annual labs done. I had gastric bypass surgery 8 1/2 years ago and need annual labs for everything under the sun -- all my vitamins (A,B1,C,D,E), magnesium, iron, etc, etc. I should take daily vitamins and I have NEVER done so. I did at the beginning, but it's been years since I took anything. The few times that I've had labs done everything was always normal.

Well, lots of the labs that I need are not your normal labs. I was there for 2 hours, the tech had to call different places for guidance, the office manager had to go buy aluminum foil because 3 of the tests mandate that the vials of blood be shielded immediately from light, some vials had to be frozen immediately. I was very patient, but I was getting ready to leave when he finally said he was ready. I politely told him, "please keep notes of everything in my file for next year." and I said it with a smile :-)

Then the weigh in...ugh....I weigh 224.25. I guess that is good (in a way) because when I left work on 6/25 my weight was almost 228. Then I went on vacation and refused to weigh in when I returned. I've been very good, mostly since I returned from vacation last Friday. I am having slim fast for b/f, a big salad with protein (chicken breast, turkey meatballs, etc.) for lunch, protein shakes in between, and MORE salad with protein for supper. Today I cheated and had a 99cent bag of crunchy cheetos. That's because my daughter wasn't with me, or else she would have talked me out of it. We are both trying to lose weight, she wants to drop 35 lbs, I want to drop 55, the lbs I have regained since my all-time low of 170 after my bypass surgery.

I read so many journals and see where people break up weight loss goals into 5# increments, maybe that's what I need to do, rather than see the BIG picture of 55 lbs! In actuality, I should be aiming for 70-80 lbs, my surgeon's goal for me was 140. I was a size 12 at 170, so I cannot imagine what size I would be at 140...maybe a 6 or 8?? no wayyyyyyyyyyyy, I would be skin and bones at that size.

I have been walking an hour for the last 3 days for exercise. I live in a rural area and there is a drainage canal next to my house with wide embankments on the sides. My sister and I meet there at 8 pm and just walk until 9. It's a great workout! My ankle has been bothering me a little since I started walking at a faster pace, hopefully it will hold out because I do not want to quit exercising. I have to see the # on the scale continue to drop down.

On another note, my parents (80 and 81 yrs old), a 67 y.o. aunt and I will be driving to Rockford, IL on Monday, July 20th, God Willing will arrive there the next day. An aunt of mine is quite ill and is not expected to live long. While there plans are to travel to Port Clinton, OH. That is the tiny (6,000 population) town where I was born and have never visited. We moved here when I was 2 yrs old. I am not excited about all the driving, but I am very anxious to see new places. The majority of our trip is just to get OUT of Texas!!!!!! We live waaaaaaaaaaaay down in the south of TX so anywhere we go, we have to get out of TX FIRST.

Work Situation

I have been an elementary school secretary since 1989. I have been through 2 principals. The first was 1989-1996, the second from 96-now. When this principal started, she was 51 and a breath of fresh air, compared to my former principal. Well, time took it's toll, she is now 64 and retired, not because she wanted to, but because she was "asked to" by our administration.

Our school has declined - the morale is low, our texas tests are low, everyone does what they please - their attitude was if the principal doesn't care, why should we? There was no discipline at our school - either for kids OR staff.

All this time, we were so sure our assistant principal, who has been there 11 years, would move up. Well, the school board branded her "Guilty by association" and didn't promote her. I guess they figured that she would carry on the same type of administration, but they were oh so wrong! This young lady, all of 43 years old, is a genius! She has it all, knowledge, wonderful rapport with staff and parents, great discipline (when the principal would allow her to follow through), great with budgets, timelines, etc, etc.

She resigned on July 9th :-( She called me, said she had to personally call me to let me know before I heard it from someone else. We got along GREAT and we had already talked about the changes that needed to be made. She has applied at surrounding school districts, has her masters in counseling so says she would like to try that for a couple of yrs and then put in for administrative work. I am sure going to miss her.

I met our new principal briefly. I have heard from like 10 people and they have all raved about her - that she is EXCELLENT in all she does. Maybe the top administration sent her over to "fix" our school. We seem to have developed a good beginning. I mean, what can I do?...I have to work with her. I consider myself a "people person". I get along with everyone I meet. I like to please - is that the "fat girl wanting acceptance" in me? Maybe not, I've known some mean fat people in my life!! LOL!

Anyway, I am meeting with my new principal tomorrow for a small pow-wow, I already have my list of "suggestions" for her. She commented to me that she was going to rely on my word because she knows that school secretaries are the "heart" of the school. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Weigh in...finally

Well, I finally stepped on the scale today and it wasn't what I thought. I weigh exactly 222, which I think was what I was weighing before I fell and broke my ankle 2 months ago. It's a victory in itself, because that means I survived the Christmas and New Year's holidays without gaining a pound, but I swear that when I went back to work just 11 days ago I probably weighed 5 lbs less. I am not eating a lot, I just munch on junk sometimes. We are in the middle of a chocolate bar fundraiser at school right now and even though plain chocolate is not a favorite of mine, I bought one yesterday and ate half :-(

I am constantly fighting with my food demons...last week after therapy I drove by a health food place and tasted some sugar coated cashews. They were devine and I bought $10. worth!! I ate for several days, then I finally threw out about half the bag out into the grass, I was sick of eating them...that's probably part of my 5 lb regain in a week! I just have to get my ass in gear and JUST DO IT! In early January I was told about a wedding on 2/21 and I thought...ahhhh, I have like 7 weeks to lose AT LEAST 10 lbs - did I do it? Nope, and the wedding is in 8 days. Tomorrow...it's always tomorrow. Damn food demons, why doesn't someone exorcise them for me!?!?!??!!

I will travel by bus this weekend for 3 hrs to go visit my boyfriend, it's our 6 year anniversary and we've always spent it together, so I hope my ankle is able to lift me up onto old Greyhound!

I sure hope I post a better weigh in next week. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Reminiscing...weight issues?

I've been watching Oprah all week. She keeps insisting that the reason we're overweight is because "something" is missing, not because we enjoy eating. I've always said I enjoy eating and that's my reason, BUT...looking back...

I am the "middle" child. For some reason I can look back and remember feeling "all alone". I was the spoiled baby for 8 yrs until my brother was born, everyone talks, and I remember, about me being spoiled by my daddy. Why, then, do I remember feeling "alone" as I went into my teens and early 20's? Looking back, now at 53 yrs old, I can remember looking, looking for 'something', not knowing what. I was always overweight, never did the teen scene, never did the prom, etc. I went on dates, always with the boys who had girlfriends, always on the sly. Never had sex, but always made out with them, and I can definitely remember thinking maybe they would leave their g.f. for me! Never happened.

When I was 21 I lost weight, enough to find a boyfriend. Nice and strong relationship, fast & furious, rush, rush, for a little over a year. Then he lost interest. I was devastated! I threatened suicide! WHAT?!? And I, the big dumb ass, took some pills and wound up in the hospital, stomach pumped, and he left anyway.

2 yrs later I ran into my best friend's old boyfriend. We clicked, started dating, and 5 wks later we moved into an apartment. Now remember, this was back in 1979, you just didn't do that in a teeny tiny town like ours. But we did. And it was doomed from the beginning. But how could I go back? My mother was SO ashamed about what I had done, she barely spoke to me. The in-laws were no better, they wanted money from us for taking care of my husband's daughter, they wanted food from us, they were just horrible to us!

I stuck it out, 2 pregnancies, while he treated me like shit! He drank, called me the most horrible things he could. Meanwhile, all I could yell at him was "Why do you say that to me?!? Don't you see that we're equal?" and I was DETERMINED to make him see me as the whole woman I was. All along, my self-esteem plummeted down to ZERO! I am so ashamed to say that there were shouting matches between his new g.f. and me, still the mother of his children, I had my son and was pregnant with my daughter. It didn't matter. I didn't care about me anymore.

WHY?
Why would I do that to myself? Why would I hang on to his legs as he tried to walk out the door? I can picture us now, me clinging like a little puppy while he tried to shake me off.

I cried so many tears for so long. I don't cry anymore.

I felt empty.

I ate.
and ate
and ate

From my regular 200 I found myself almost at 300, while trying to raise 2 little ones and with hardly a penny to my name. I must have managed to find food to eat myself up to 285 lbs!

What happens in our minds?
Why do we punish ourselves?

As my kids grew and started going out at night, I would prepare myself with my friend to keep my company. I would go buy Oreo cookies and milk, and would stuff my face while they were gone. I convinced myself that I wasnt lonely, I was comfortable with my 'friend'. I didn't feel lonely.

I must have been trying to fill that "void" everyone talks about.

He killed my soul. He killed my spirit. He didn't love himself so how could he love me? Silly girl, took me 20 yrs to find that out.

WHEW, that's a load off my chest.

Oh, the skeletons we have in our closets.