Sunday, September 13, 2009

Blog Slacker

I totally suck at keeping up with this blog.

3 major episodes have driven me back into a depression I hadn't suffered since I was in my 20's. My aunt passed away in Illinois on July 25th, another aunt passed away on August 11th. This second aunt's passing has shattered me - she lived next door to my parents, she was 84, she was like my 2nd mother, I was everywhere with her when I was little, she was my dad's only sibling left out of 10 siblings. I am still in non-belief that she is not in the little white house that stands 6 ft next to my parents. I cry for her every day. I miss her so much.

...and the third event I can't even believe. I have a brilliant, so intelligent 4 yr old grandson who lives with me and his mom. He started Pre-Kinder on Aug 24th and has been in trouble EVERY SINGLE day since then. I tell you, we are talking about 2 different personalities here! He is kind, loving, yes he is hyperactive and we have known it, so he just got on Ritalin on Sept 2nd, but at home is just a kid. At school he is lashing out, hitting adults, hitting kids, throwing furniture, and worst of all, CUSSING like a sailor! WHAT?!?!?! Believe me when I say not a SINGLE cuss word is spoken in our home and never has been. We thought it was great when his dad finally came around and started seeing him in Feb of this year. Picked him up religiously every other wkend and now grandson says his dad says those words when he is angry. Poor little kid, saying words he doesn't even know the meaning of, but knows that daddys says them when he is angry, so he does it too. He is forbidden from seeing him for the meantime. Of course he denies that he uses that language, but we know him only too well. We thought he would fight for his rights to see him, but his just told him mom that he wasn't going to fight my daughter, that if she didn't want him to see his son, then so be it. I am sure he is rejoicing at not having the responsibility that he denied for over 3 yrs. I raised 2 kids on my own, I tell my daughter she will be okay too.

I tell them I would have to see a video of him doing what they say because, not that I don't believe them (I work in a school and have seen it ALL), but this is so surreal, that we are talking about the same child. Saying things like f*** b*** to tchrs, saying I'm going to kick your a**, calling tchrs f****rs....Words we have NEVER EVER EVER said at my home!!! I am still in shock.

There is a special class in his school called an adaptive behavior unit. Administration is thinking of placing him there to see if he settles down, the special ed behavior specialist who has observed him a couple of times is against it. But he has only seen him being a little defiant, he hasn't seen him at his worst. Even his tchr can't believe the changes he goes through during the day.

I am depressed. I cry every day. He was at my school the first 5 days and I was a total mess seeing him brought to the office at least 4X daily. We finally moved him to the school he belongs to (we had him at my school on special permission). I was very close to a nervous breakdown, which I have had before, and moving him was for the best. My daughter now goes into work at 6:30 am so she can leave at 3 to pick him up. I was taking him and picking him up daily but getting the bad rpts daily did me in after 5 days. I was falling apart.

I am better, but still going through my life like a robot, just doing what I know needs to be done. I take Xanax daily to get me through, but don't want to go back on anti-depressants, too afraid of the suicidal effects coming back.

Please pray for little Ryan.


  1. I will absolutely pray for Ryan--and for you. I'm sorry about the loss of your aunt. I can tell you are hurting so badly right now.

    We had a somewhat-similar situation with my son. He didn't act out or swear (and I do say some bad words) but he zoned out and developed nervous behaviors. The environment at school was extremely overwhelming to him and he just could not function. He didn't have the best K. teacher, and we did switch teachers mid year. It helped a little, but he was a different child at school than at home. Several visits with an educational psychologist to help us out, visits with the principal, hand selecting his teachers--which they did a fantastic job after K, he still had troubles at school.

    It tore me apart, it killed me, it was a huge stress--I had lost 70 pounds and the last visit we took him to Denver to the Gifted Development Center and on the 2-day drive home, I got a candy bar at a gas station and gained all the weight plus. The stress for me, the stress for him--the suggestion was to homeschool. So we finished out the school year while I researched homeschooling. I was in a position to do it, and it has been the best thing for him. He has thrived. His confidence is back, he's learning and is advanced. He does just enough social activities to keep him happy (and as he gets older to push him a bit).

    I have never known such a heartache as this. You love your child/grandchild with everything you've got, and when something like this happens--it just kills you, you ache for the child. There are no easy answers, but it's scary, lonely, you feel like you've done something wrong when in reality you really haven't, it's just that everyone is different in their makeup.

    Everyone wants a normal childhood for their children/grandchildren. When that doesn't happen, it's just...I have no words, it just eats at your soul. So we have had to embrace a different path, and have really learned to love and enjoy it.

    I really hope that you/the school can find resources to help Ryan out. It is so perplexing when the child you know isn't the child that the school knows. (And they never believed me when I said it was night and day difference!)

    Take good care of yourself. I will definitely keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as I've walked in similar shoes. It hurts. I've cried buckets and buckets.


  2. Sorry to hear of you losses and grandson problems. I thing getting him some help to learn to cope better with stress would be in order. Glad you transferred his school.

  3. I would have your grandson tested for his learning level. I bet you he's very bored because he's so much further advanced then his classmates. The same thing happend with my daughter. She was then put in advanced classes in elementary school which gave her some challenge therfore she wasn't bored and didn't lash out. She's been on ritalyn since to help.

    Most ADD or ADHD kids are very intelligent!!

  4. I was wondering if your GS was ever tested for apnea? Does he snore loud, while sleeping? There have been cases where children are being misdiagnosed with ADD or AHDH when it is actually a case of having tonsils too big for their throat.

    I am so sorry for your losses, and so close together does not make it easier. It was awhile before I felt I could breathe after losing both my grandmother and mother-in-law in January, but it is getting easier. I pray God will wrap his arms of comfort and peace around you, and give your spirit peace and rest. God bless and big hugs!

  5. So sorry life is making you so sad. I feel sad, too, but I am too exhausted to accept it. Wish I could just go to sleep right now and not have to go to work again. It's Sunday, for goodness sake! GRRR...

  6. I am so sorry to hear this about your grandson. I have problems with my older two children and both have ADHD. My son used to do what your grandson does but he DID grow out of that. good luck to you! Btw, I have a new fat site. It is

    - Lisa

  7. Sorry about your grandson! I am happy about your retirement though! Girl, it's many years before I get to do that! You need to keep up your blog so we can keep in touch!