Blog Slacker

I totally suck at keeping up with this blog.

3 major episodes have driven me back into a depression I hadn't suffered since I was in my 20's. My aunt passed away in Illinois on July 25th, another aunt passed away on August 11th. This second aunt's passing has shattered me - she lived next door to my parents, she was 84, she was like my 2nd mother, I was everywhere with her when I was little, she was my dad's only sibling left out of 10 siblings. I am still in non-belief that she is not in the little white house that stands 6 ft next to my parents. I cry for her every day. I miss her so much.

...and the third event I can't even believe. I have a brilliant, so intelligent 4 yr old grandson who lives with me and his mom. He started Pre-Kinder on Aug 24th and has been in trouble EVERY SINGLE day since then. I tell you, we are talking about 2 different personalities here! He is kind, loving, yes he is hyperactive and we have known it, so he just got on Ritalin on Sept 2nd, but at home is just a kid. At school he is lashing out, hitting adults, hitting kids, throwing furniture, and worst of all, CUSSING like a sailor! WHAT?!?!?! Believe me when I say not a SINGLE cuss word is spoken in our home and never has been. We thought it was great when his dad finally came around and started seeing him in Feb of this year. Picked him up religiously every other wkend and now this...my grandson says his dad says those words when he is angry. Poor little kid, saying words he doesn't even know the meaning of, but knows that daddys says them when he is angry, so he does it too. He is forbidden from seeing him for the meantime. Of course he denies that he uses that language, but we know him only too well. We thought he would fight for his rights to see him, but his just told him mom that he wasn't going to fight my daughter, that if she didn't want him to see his son, then so be it. I am sure he is rejoicing at not having the responsibility that he denied for over 3 yrs. I raised 2 kids on my own, I tell my daughter she will be okay too.

I tell them I would have to see a video of him doing what they say because, not that I don't believe them (I work in a school and have seen it ALL), but this is so surreal, that we are talking about the same child. Saying things like f*** b*** to tchrs, saying I'm going to kick your a**, calling tchrs f****rs....Words we have NEVER EVER EVER said at my home!!! I am still in shock.

There is a special class in his school called an adaptive behavior unit. Administration is thinking of placing him there to see if he settles down, the special ed behavior specialist who has observed him a couple of times is against it. But he has only seen him being a little defiant, he hasn't seen him at his worst. Even his tchr can't believe the changes he goes through during the day.

I am depressed. I cry every day. He was at my school the first 5 days and I was a total mess seeing him brought to the office at least 4X daily. We finally moved him to the school he belongs to (we had him at my school on special permission). I was very close to a nervous breakdown, which I have had before, and moving him was for the best. My daughter now goes into work at 6:30 am so she can leave at 3 to pick him up. I was taking him and picking him up daily but getting the bad rpts daily did me in after 5 days. I was falling apart.

I am better, but still going through my life like a robot, just doing what I know needs to be done. I take Xanax daily to get me through, but don't want to go back on anti-depressants, too afraid of the suicidal effects coming back.

Please pray for little Ryan.