Sunday, September 13, 2009
3 major episodes have driven me back into a depression I hadn't suffered since I was in my 20's. My aunt passed away in Illinois on July 25th, another aunt passed away on August 11th. This second aunt's passing has shattered me - she lived next door to my parents, she was 84, she was like my 2nd mother, I was everywhere with her when I was little, she was my dad's only sibling left out of 10 siblings. I am still in non-belief that she is not in the little white house that stands 6 ft next to my parents. I cry for her every day. I miss her so much.
...and the third event I can't even believe. I have a brilliant, so intelligent 4 yr old grandson who lives with me and his mom. He started Pre-Kinder on Aug 24th and has been in trouble EVERY SINGLE day since then. I tell you, we are talking about 2 different personalities here! He is kind, loving, yes he is hyperactive and we have known it, so he just got on Ritalin on Sept 2nd, but at home is just a kid. At school he is lashing out, hitting adults, hitting kids, throwing furniture, and worst of all, CUSSING like a sailor! WHAT?!?!?! Believe me when I say not a SINGLE cuss word is spoken in our home and never has been. We thought it was great when his dad finally came around and started seeing him in Feb of this year. Picked him up religiously every other wkend and now this...my grandson says his dad says those words when he is angry. Poor little kid, saying words he doesn't even know the meaning of, but knows that daddys says them when he is angry, so he does it too. He is forbidden from seeing him for the meantime. Of course he denies that he uses that language, but we know him only too well. We thought he would fight for his rights to see him, but his just told him mom that he wasn't going to fight my daughter, that if she didn't want him to see his son, then so be it. I am sure he is rejoicing at not having the responsibility that he denied for over 3 yrs. I raised 2 kids on my own, I tell my daughter she will be okay too.
I tell them I would have to see a video of him doing what they say because, not that I don't believe them (I work in a school and have seen it ALL), but this is so surreal, that we are talking about the same child. Saying things like f*** b*** to tchrs, saying I'm going to kick your a**, calling tchrs f****rs....Words we have NEVER EVER EVER said at my home!!! I am still in shock.
There is a special class in his school called an adaptive behavior unit. Administration is thinking of placing him there to see if he settles down, the special ed behavior specialist who has observed him a couple of times is against it. But he has only seen him being a little defiant, he hasn't seen him at his worst. Even his tchr can't believe the changes he goes through during the day.
I am depressed. I cry every day. He was at my school the first 5 days and I was a total mess seeing him brought to the office at least 4X daily. We finally moved him to the school he belongs to (we had him at my school on special permission). I was very close to a nervous breakdown, which I have had before, and moving him was for the best. My daughter now goes into work at 6:30 am so she can leave at 3 to pick him up. I was taking him and picking him up daily but getting the bad rpts daily did me in after 5 days. I was falling apart.
I am better, but still going through my life like a robot, just doing what I know needs to be done. I take Xanax daily to get me through, but don't want to go back on anti-depressants, too afraid of the suicidal effects coming back.
Please pray for little Ryan.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Well, lots of the labs that I need are not your normal labs. I was there for 2 hours, the tech had to call different places for guidance, the office manager had to go buy aluminum foil because 3 of the tests mandate that the vials of blood be shielded immediately from light, some vials had to be frozen immediately. I was very patient, but I was getting ready to leave when he finally said he was ready. I politely told him, "please keep notes of everything in my file for next year." and I said it with a smile :-)
Then the weigh in...ugh....I weigh 224.25. I guess that is good (in a way) because when I left work on 6/25 my weight was almost 228. Then I went on vacation and refused to weigh in when I returned. I've been very good, mostly since I returned from vacation last Friday. I am having slim fast for b/f, a big salad with protein (chicken breast, turkey meatballs, etc.) for lunch, protein shakes in between, and MORE salad with protein for supper. Today I cheated and had a 99cent bag of crunchy cheetos. That's because my daughter wasn't with me, or else she would have talked me out of it. We are both trying to lose weight, she wants to drop 35 lbs, I want to drop 55, the lbs I have regained since my all-time low of 170 after my bypass surgery.
I read so many journals and see where people break up weight loss goals into 5# increments, maybe that's what I need to do, rather than see the BIG picture of 55 lbs! In actuality, I should be aiming for 70-80 lbs, my surgeon's goal for me was 140. I was a size 12 at 170, so I cannot imagine what size I would be at 140...maybe a 6 or 8?? no wayyyyyyyyyyyy, I would be skin and bones at that size.
I have been walking an hour for the last 3 days for exercise. I live in a rural area and there is a drainage canal next to my house with wide embankments on the sides. My sister and I meet there at 8 pm and just walk until 9. It's a great workout! My ankle has been bothering me a little since I started walking at a faster pace, hopefully it will hold out because I do not want to quit exercising. I have to see the # on the scale continue to drop down.
On another note, my parents (80 and 81 yrs old), a 67 y.o. aunt and I will be driving to Rockford, IL on Monday, July 20th, God Willing will arrive there the next day. An aunt of mine is quite ill and is not expected to live long. While there plans are to travel to Port Clinton, OH. That is the tiny (6,000 population) town where I was born and have never visited. We moved here when I was 2 yrs old. I am not excited about all the driving, but I am very anxious to see new places. The majority of our trip is just to get OUT of Texas!!!!!! We live waaaaaaaaaaaay down in the south of TX so anywhere we go, we have to get out of TX FIRST.
Our school has declined - the morale is low, our texas tests are low, everyone does what they please - their attitude was if the principal doesn't care, why should we? There was no discipline at our school - either for kids OR staff.
All this time, we were so sure our assistant principal, who has been there 11 years, would move up. Well, the school board branded her "Guilty by association" and didn't promote her. I guess they figured that she would carry on the same type of administration, but they were oh so wrong! This young lady, all of 43 years old, is a genius! She has it all, knowledge, wonderful rapport with staff and parents, great discipline (when the principal would allow her to follow through), great with budgets, timelines, etc, etc.
She resigned on July 9th :-( She called me, said she had to personally call me to let me know before I heard it from someone else. We got along GREAT and we had already talked about the changes that needed to be made. She has applied at surrounding school districts, has her masters in counseling so says she would like to try that for a couple of yrs and then put in for administrative work. I am sure going to miss her.
I met our new principal briefly. I have heard from like 10 people and they have all raved about her - that she is EXCELLENT in all she does. Maybe the top administration sent her over to "fix" our school. We seem to have developed a good beginning. I mean, what can I do?...I have to work with her. I consider myself a "people person". I get along with everyone I meet. I like to please - is that the "fat girl wanting acceptance" in me? Maybe not, I've known some mean fat people in my life!! LOL!
Anyway, I am meeting with my new principal tomorrow for a small pow-wow, I already have my list of "suggestions" for her. She commented to me that she was going to rely on my word because she knows that school secretaries are the "heart" of the school. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Picture 1: View of the bay from our cottage.
Picture 2: View of our cottage from the private pier. The little cottage shown here used to be a bait stand. Our cottage is across the street from the pier.
Picture 3: Sitting on the pier at sundown. Aaaahhh, so relaxing.
Friends have said we don't love each other enough to get married. But I think it's BECAUSE we love each other so much that we are so happy with our arrangement. I just look at it as if we are married but our jobs keep us living in separate places.
Don't even want to weigh myself, thinking at least 5 lbs up during vacation. But daughter and I are helping each other out with good eating habits and I'm hoping that will finally get me moving in the right direction.
My grandson who lives with me is starting school in a few weeks. WOW, seems like just yesterday my daughter shocked me with, "I'm pregnant." We promised to love and support each other and we have. She and Ryan live with me, she works at the school I work at and I take care of him while she attends the university at night. She's half-way done so we're looking forward to the day she has her degree. Something she should have done when she didn't have a child to look after, but better now while she is unmarried and has no other commitments and still lives with me.
My new grandson turned 1 month 2 days ago! Can you believe it?? WOW, time is going to fly! I haven't gone to see him since I returned on Friday, but will spend the day with them tomorrow.
I've got another post in my mind, but it's related to my job.
I'll be back later tonight to put that up.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
This is my only son, proud as he can be of being a first-time Daddy.
This is Mommy, just loving on her newborn son.
This is proud Grandma, amazed at how much Adrian looks like his daddy when he was first born.
And this is the face that wakes my son & DIL at 2 a.m.!!
Weight-wise, I am still the same. Every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY, I say to self, "Self, today you will start liquid diet," and every single evening I am disappointed in self. Weight loss surgery or not, it's still the same old battle, mouth loves to eat, brain hates mouth. I still weigh 220 lbs :-(
Thank you Joann, for bringing me out of lurkdom, and reminding me that people still want to hear about this end of the USA.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Today is my son's 29th birthday. How is that possible? He was just a baby!!! Oh the trials we have been through, you and me, my son... Me, a woman, raising a boy all on my own, not knowing how to handle the "man" things but trying with all my might to learn how to pitch a baseball so you could practice. I desperately wanted to teach you how to fish, but resources were so very limited, there was never any money for ANYTHING except the needs we had, and sometimes not even for that.
But...time passed and you have grown from an 8 lb, 8 oz, 22" long baby into a 6'6" 250 hunk! You are a loving, respectful, and very much respected, young man. Soon (in June, God Willing), you too, will have your own son. I can't wait to hold baby Adrian in my arms, but I most definitely can hardly wait to see YOU holding your own son.
This was Sunday at my daughter in law's baby shower. This is my son Gilbert, Letty, my mom and me...almost 4 generations.
I'm on Spring Break this week, doing NOTHING!
I've just been taking care of errands that I can't do while working and that means SPENDING MONEY!! Yesterday $105. for car registration/title transfer, tomorrow it will be $125. to get my car window motor repaired and $60. to apply for a passport...me, a US citizen, will need a passport because I LOOOOOVE to go into Mexico for a few hours and drink 'em up those Margaritas!!
Catch you 'all in a bit...that's what I get for not posting in a month!!
If anyone is interested, our local newspaper is carrying updated information on the accident on their site http://www.themonitor.com/. Our lives are in God's hands, we just never know...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
To catch up...I went to Corpus Christi to meet up with my boyfriend of 6 yrs. Valentine's Day was our 6th anniversary, we originally met there back in 2003 after chatting online for about 6 weeks and the rest is history :-) We dined at Blackbeards, which has become a tradition and then just stayed in and enjoyed each other's company. It's amazing what good friends we are, we can sit and talk for hours. I would hate to get married and have that end so I've chosen to enjoy being a "girlfriend" for as long as I can.
Last nght my 26 y.o. daughter and I got into an argument, which is quite rare. It was over some trivial issue and she just said, "now I know what Gilbert (my son) meant when he said he felt like he was walking on eggshells when he lived at home, I can't tell you anything without you blowing it out of proportion!" THAT HURT! Walking on eggshells...? If anyone went through what I went through from 1998-2003 with my son, oh Lord, I dont' even want to remember...3 car accidents, 2 of them hospitalized, major motorcycle accident, broken right arm, rod inserted, lost the use of his wrist until 2006 when he had tendon replacement, traffic citations after traffic citations, arrests for failing to appear in court, staying up all night worrying about him, where was he? was he turned over in a ditch somewhere? was he in jail? And then he had the nerve to say he felt like he was walking on eggshells while living with me?
I wish I was one of those mothers who could say, "Tough Shit, I'm the mom and if you don't like it, there's the door!" But I'm a softie and I never want to hurt my kids, I never embarassed them in front of their friends, I went to every single band practice/concert/football game, every event - I was there. And now my son has said a couple of times that he remembers being "terrified" of me, I told him that didn't sound so nice, and he said, "Noooo, that's good, because that kept me in line." Well, that may have worked until he was 18, and once he graduated all hell broke lose.
Why are we, the parents, always made out to be the bad guy?
Well, my daughter has a 4 year old son and my son will be a daddy come June (God willing) and one day, they too will be parents of grown up kids. I hope I'm around to hear what their grown up kids remember about them.
On a brighter note...I mysteriously lost 2 lbs this week. Scale read 220 today. YEAH!! But, BIG BUT...I was so depressed after my fight with my daughter that I found myself at the bakery buying 4 HUGE cookies! Comfort foods, that's all I could think of today while I was crying all day, just wanted to eat myself into oblivion.
Follow up with my ortho specialist today. All is well, I can remove the brace, he wants me to walk as much as I can without it, wants me to wear it if I'm going to be in crowds, or like at fairs/carnivals, etc. My last physical therpy session was this week, my $1,500. insurance limit has been met so now I get to do all my exercises at home. The therpist gave me a print out of what to do, they are mostly stretching exercises to help stretch my calf and the back of my ankle, the tendon has not totally relaxed so it's a little hard to walk normally. But...if I walk really slow, you can hardly tell that I have an injury. YEAH! Almost...almost back to normal!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I am constantly fighting with my food demons...last week after therapy I drove by a health food place and tasted some sugar coated cashews. They were devine and I bought $10. worth!! I ate for several days, then I finally threw out about half the bag out into the grass, I was sick of eating them...that's probably part of my 5 lb regain in a week! I just have to get my ass in gear and JUST DO IT! In early January I was told about a wedding on 2/21 and I thought...ahhhh, I have like 7 weeks to lose AT LEAST 10 lbs - did I do it? Nope, and the wedding is in 8 days. Tomorrow...it's always tomorrow. Damn food demons, why doesn't someone exorcise them for me!?!?!??!!
I will travel by bus this weekend for 3 hrs to go visit my boyfriend, it's our 6 year anniversary and we've always spent it together, so I hope my ankle is able to lift me up onto old Greyhound!
I sure hope I post a better weigh in next week. Keeping my fingers crossed.