Wednesday, December 31, 2008

End of the Year

5 hrs and we'll say goodbye to 2008 and welcome in 2009. How fast time you all remember the scare of Y2K, when 2000 was coming in and everyone was scared that time was going to stop, that the water was going to run out, that all computers were going to crash!! Remember that!!!

Update on my broken ankle. Saw the specialist yesterday and he removed the fiberglass cast and put my foot in a walking boot. Darned thing looks like something the astronauts wear! I can now touch my foot down to the ground, but very, very slightly, when I am walking with crutches. He said that I can remove it to shower (have to sit on a chair) and that I should be able to take it off while sleeping in about 3 wks. It's coming along faster than I thought. YEAH!!

This year has been an average one for me. I was rear-ended in June by a drunk 15 year old girl, then had emergency outpatient surgery in August, and now my ankle. Yep, a little more illnesses than normal, but a very normal, quiet year in a small town for this small town woman.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year, may all our hopes and dreams come true, may the lonely find love, may the unemployed find suitable employment, may those of us who constantly fight the battle of the bulge finally win the war!!

Please be careful out on the road. We just had 3 brothers-in-law die (they were all married to 3 sisters) in a drunk driving accident - they hit a semi 2 days ago. If you drink, don't drive. If you drive, don't drink.

Estela in South TX

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Weight Loss??

I originally started this blog waaaaaaay back in 2003 as an incentive to lose weight. I didn't follow through on blogging and found myself gaining about 23 lbs in the last 5 years. I really want to lose 50-60 lbs but just don't have the determination! What in the heck is wrong with me? I had gastric bypass surgery almost 8 yrs ago, lost down to 170 and was extremely comfortable in a size 12, down from a size 26. I was a gym rat, I monitored what I ate, and then little by little, bite by bite, I wandered into the forbidden garden once again. Cookies, teeny tiny bites at first, now can eat several at once. I can't drink milk, can't eat beef, but I love chicken and turkey.

I know what I'm supposed to eat and to be quite honest, I fill up rather quickly when I eat what I'm supposed to...chicken breast with few veggies/small salad. I don't drink with my meals. But my doc said that the body will try to go back to it's previous state, it starts to absorb more calories. Since I eat things I shouldn't like slider foods (chips,cookies, crackers) and I get no exercise at all, my body absorbs all calories and the weight has crept back up.

20 years ago, I maintained 222 lbs for years and years, then my weight jumped up to 285 in about 10 years. For some reason my body wants to be at 222, which is what I weighed for several years. When I was at 215 I dropped down to 203 and my daughter just couldn't understand when I prayed for "JUST 4 lbs"...I so desperately wanted to see 100's again. Nope, went from 203 to 218, then 228, and now at 222 for about 7 months or so.

I've been laid up with this broken ankle since 12/10 and I was being very careful, eating very little because now I REALLY don't get any exercise, I have made the sofa recliner my "home" since then. As I have felt better and gotten stronger, I have started eating a little more, my appetite is greater now, and I hobble on my crutches to the kitchen and bring bite size chocolates in my pockets! I tell you, once an overeater, always an overeater! I really am trying to make wise food choices! My daughter goes back to work on Jan 5th, and while she's gone I have her pack a thermos bag for me with string cheese, boiled eggs, smoked turkey.

I know I can beat this! My pledge to myself for 2009 is to reach 199 by this time next steps, baby steps, one small bite at a time.

I must stay accountable here, just for myself. I have to write it down so I can see progress. I CAN DO IT!

Update on my Daddy

My Daddy came home from the hospital on Christmas Day at about 2 pm. Tests show he had a mild heart attack, doc says probably from the severity of the vomiting. Daddy is 80, he had his first severe heart attack when he was 43 and has been on medication since 1971. Heart catherization in '88 showed severe blockage so docs agreed that he would have bypass ONLY if he suffered another heart attack because he was too high of a risk to operate on. Fast forward to 2006 and he had the dreaded attack but due to the passage of years and so much new technology, docs agreed to operate. His odds were greater but he came through with flying colors. His health has greatly improved since then! In fact, he does not show his age, people think he is 70 rather than 80. Doc said he suffered minimal damage with this mild heart attack and his meds will be increased slightly. Our concern now is that "spot" on his pancreas. God willing it is what the doc thinks and it is a treatable tumor. IF YOU PRAY, PLEASE KEEP HIM IN YOUR PRAYERS! He means the world to me and our family. He is our pillar we all lean on. He is a man of few words, but his words speak volumes!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Time & Date??

Wow, just noticed that the post I just sent says 12/24/08, 9:43 p.m.!! Gotta work at this to see if I can fix that.

Testing, testing...

Testing because the time and date seem to be off on here. Hopefully this post will say 12/25/08, 12:30 a.m.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Well, it's 12:20 a.m., Christmas day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!! :-)

I have come to a self-realization - in prior years I always went through a mini-depression around this time. I always made plans to buy gifts during the year and somehow only got around to doing it twice, many years ago. So I would usually buy gifts between the 10th & the 23rd, browsing, shopping, thinking, wondering which would be the "perfect" gift. The traffic is horrible, the people are rude, the stores are a mess...all leading up to my feelings of sadness; too much commercialism, everyone forgetting the reason for the season, sadly, me included at times.

This year I have been laid up with my broken ankle since the 10th. Even though I am able to get around a little better I have refused to go anywhere except the doctor, the hospital to see my Dad on Sunday and to the dentist yesterday. So not going out in the crowds has been Heaven-Sent to me!! Don't get me wrong, it's not the money because I always budget wisely and I can afford gifts. What I did was order tamales (Mexican specialty, especially during Christmas) for my siblings. I had already purchased gifts for 4 little ones in my family (they are the only children under 12, everyone else is 20 and up), so I had my daughter wrap and deliver those today.

My Dad is still in the hospital. It started with severe vomiting for 4 days which he ignored until he wound up in the emergency room with a very high fever on Sunday. Diagnosis...stone in his pancreas causing a blood infection! The stone was removed today through an endoscopy but the gastro doc saw a "spot" on the pancras that he is concerned about. Took a biopsy and we will know next week, says it could just be that the pancreas in enlarged or it could be a tumor that he has seen before and he can take care of. Please keep my Daddy in your prayers, he will be 81 in about 7 wks and is a heart patient. God Willing, he may come home tomorrow.

Have a wonderful Christmas everyone!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


This is going to be long, that's what I get for failing to update more regularly.

My boyfriend came to visit on Thursday, the 18th (he lives 250 miles away). He wanted to be here to go with me to the specialist office visit on Friday. My ankle is healing and I will not need surgery. In fact, he said the fiberglass cast was doing it's job and he will not change it to a plaster cast. I have an appt. for the 30th and I think he is going to put me in a "boot" and will start "weight bearing?" I guess that is stepping on it in increments, because there is still pain if I step on it. Granted, not as much as 2 wks ago, but pain none-the-less. Doc said by the time all is said and done, it will be about 4 months. I work with the school district, so I guess you could say I should be well by the time the school year is over. :-)

I must confess that I've been in a pity pit since this happened. I cried, I questioned why me, I got upset, I couldn't believe this happened to me. Feeling so helpless made me feel so down!

Then came Sunday and my dad wound up in the hospital after being ill for 4 days. Let me tell you I rushed out on my crutches (crunches, as my 4 y.o. grandson calls them), hopped into my sister's car and off we flew to see Daddy. I had been wearing a sock over my toes and I didn't even take the time to put it back on and it was about 40 degrees and that is cold for us! That shock made me come out of my "woe is me" attitude and I have felt so much better these last 3 days. I even kept a dentist appt I had for this morning.

One thing I noticed was that my foot and leg were getting a little swollen again. The PA at the doc's had told me I could sit on a regular recliner w/o having to have my foot above my heart. But after doing that for 4 days I noticed the swelling coming back. So last night I went back to the sofa recliner, all the way back, my foot piled up on 3 pillows and today I am much better.

It has been a little on the cool side here, down to the low 40's, but guess what?... we're having a "Tropical Christmas"'s predicted to be 84 on Thursday!! I can't remember such a warm Christmas in a while. Considering what the northern part of the US is going through, from west to east, I think I'll take our tropical Christmas over waist deep snow.

I hope all my blogger friends from up north are doing okay, staying warm and safe inside.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Day 7

For anyone who thinks that being confined to bed rest is fun - you're very mistaken! Yes, it might be nice to be all comfy and cozy under soft comforters, in the fetal position, but I can't do that. I am spending all my time face up on my sofa recliner, recined as most as I can with 2 pillows under my left foot. I can't move from there! I only get up to hobble on my crutches to the bathroom that is about 10 feet from me. That in itself is a monumental job, totally drains my energy.

Last night I fell as I was going to the bathroom. I lost my balance, I kind of fell in slow motion, tried to protect my foot by lifting it up into the air. I fell on hard on my left elbow & shoulder and on my tailbone. I cried out for my daughter who came running. For a long time I just lay there on the floor and cried...out of frustration, out of self-pity, out of pain. I finally crawled to the sofa and was able to drag myself up until I started all over again to the bathroom.

Why do I feel so sorry for myself? Maybe because I've always been the strong one, I have depended on no one. I raised my children by myself, no child support, no social aid. I did what I physically could in my home, I don't like to ask for help. It is hard for me to lay here and ask for things to be done for me. I feel like I am a burden. Why would I feel like this? I know that if it were my daughter who was in my position, I would be running around doing things for her without a complaint, but that's just the mother in me.

Not even sure what's going to happen. Dr. appt on Friday to see if the healing has started, if the bone has moved he will operate on my ankle. If it hasn't moved, and if I have to remain in this position until possibly the end of January, not sure I can do it.

Anyone else been in my position?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Down, but not out!

Wednesday morning I slipped on rainwater and broke my left ankle. In excruciating pain, somehow I managed to hobble up onto my right foot and hopped around my car until I got in my house, all the while praying to God that I not fall again. I managed to make some calls and a co-worker came for me, helped me dress loosely and drove me to the doctor's. I decided not to go to the emergency room because (1) I would probably wait for 6 hrs before being seen, and (2) they would take x-rays and tell me to go see my doctor or a specialist.

My doctor couldn't see anything, but said that didn't mean there wasn't anything there. He put a "boot" on me and sent me for an MRI. An appt. was made for me for Thursday morning with an ortho specialist. After a pain-wracked night I finally made it into the specialist's office yesterday morning. I have a 4" spiral fracture (which is why it didn't show on the x-ray). He put a fiberglass cast on it and sent me home with instructions to stay as immobile as I can for 4-6 wks!!! I go back next Friday to see if the healing has begun...if the bones have moved, then it's off to surgery.

I am doing what he says, have stayed as still as possible. But it's so darned hard to stay in one position! I am on the recliner, all the way back and foot propped up on pillows to get my ankle higher than my heart.

I got on here really quick because I had to make an online payment and decided to stop by here. Can't sit for more than 5 minutes on a hard chair, my leg starts to tingle and go numb. And learning to use crutches at 53 years of age and 200 lbs is a B**CH!!!! Thank God I don't have any stairs in my home!

See you guys later! Looking to borrow a laptop to use during my bed confinement.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday

I have never set my alarm to go shopping on this day but I did for today. I'm not much of a shopper and when I do shop it's after much penny-pinching. Woke at 5, got to Wal-Mart with my handy shopping list at 5:10, parked about 2 football fields away and was out in about 20 minutes. I couldn't believe the mobs of people crowded around certain areas, waiting for the pallets of merchandise! I no NOTHING about plasma tvs, or flat screens, etc. and I have no interest in buying one so I wouldn't have known if the prices were good or not. From the looks of the crowd, the sale prices were good.

I was after toddler jeans, kids pjs, rubbermaid containers, a new paper shredder, just regular stuff. I walked out with nothing because the lines were ridiculous for a $7. item. Came home, logged on and ordered the clothing items I needed. I was a little upset because the website was extremely slow, due to the heavy traffic I'm sure, so by the time I checked out, the toddler jeans I wanted for my grandson were sold out! I was brave enough to go back to the store at 10, and lo and behold! I found EVERYTHING I wanted, even the pj's I had just purchased were there. Since the store is open 24 hrs there was no way for the workers to set up the merchandise before 5, it was being taken out after the doors opened, that's why lots of the things I was looking fore were unavailable at 5, but they were there at 10...sadly not the jeans I wanted for my little grandson. Oh well, thank you Lord, for allowing me to be financially stable enough that I can buy items at regular price if I need them...but I was, I am, and will always be a penny pincher and will always look for the sale price!

After waking so early, I napped on and off between 3 and 5. Let's hope I am able to sleep tonight.

Pray for the Wal-mart worker who was trampled to death in NY as he was opening the doors to let the eager beavers in.

It's a BEAUTIFUL day in South TX, in the high 70's. How has your day been today?

How do you...? for blogs? On AOL journals you could key in words, such as weight loss, grief, photography, etc. and then search and links to journals related to that would pop up.

Can anyone help me? Maybe I just don't see it!!

Thanks in advance!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Feeling So Thankful!

It's almost tomorrow, the official day to give Thanks. I am thankful every day because God is in my life. I know sometimes I ramble on about how depressed I am, but I've been fighting depression for 33 years now, on and off, mostly off, Thank God!

Some of the things I am thankful for:
My parents, 80 and 79 years old, married for 58 years. My mother is getting hard of hearing but she is a ball of fire, always on the go! My daddy is the calm one, so cool and serene all the time.
My paid off home. With my parents co-signature, I borrowed $30,000. 6 yrs ago, and after living in a mobile home from 1983 until 2002 I built a 3 br brick home. Paid $500/month and paid the entire loan off this summer! Now I'm paying those $500 on a car for a year and it will be paid off in a year.
My son, 28, and his fiance. They just bought a new home and found out they are pregnant. With God's grace, I will have 2 grandchildren come June 2009.
My daughter, 26 and my 3 year old grandson who live with me. He is such a bright spot in our lives!
My job of 32 years. I qualify for retirement and would get $2,100/monthly, but would have to pay health insurance from there, and face it, I'm not ready to retire!
My regained health after my gastric bypass surgery almost 8 yrs ago. Yes, I've regained half my weight, but most of what ailed me before my surgery left and never returned!
My boyfriend (gosh, is that still the correct term at our age, I'm 53 and he is 57!) of almost 6 yrs. We met through in Feb. 2003 and have been together since. We live 4 hrs apart, so maybe that's why it's been so successful :-)

My God, who has guided me through all trials and tribulations, especially with being a single parent, and having to deal with my son's difficult period from when he was 18 until 24. 3 car accidents, 2 motorcyle accidents, the last one 2 yrs ago pretty serious. Thank you Lord, for giving me the courage to go on, for giving me the strength to carry on every day when I just wanted to lie under the covers and cry. I thank you for bringing my boyfriend "Moose" into my life, for it has been his guiding and loving words that have helped to ease my fears when I didn't know how to deal with my son's troubles. My poor son, growing up without a father to love him and to love back, who didn't know who to turn to in times of trouble. Thank you my Heavenly Father, for never giving up on us!

Father God, please bless my new blogger friends as you have blessed me. May each and everyone of them have a peaceful day tomorrow, surrounded by those they love. Amen.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Hello again

Has it really been almost a month since I last posted? Back then, I honestly feel I was close to a nervous breakdown from so much pressure at work/inner pressure I bring on myself. I honestly feel I may be ADHD, I certainly have OCD to some extent. In the 19 yrs I've worked at my school, I have acquired more and more duties. Some I've brought on myself. Let me explain...I kind of live out of town and have to drive in to town to get to work, so anytime there are errands to run, or breakfast to pick up for meetings, I kind of offered myself to run those errands. It got to where I was pressuring myself to have to leave much earlier to run those errands AND get to work on time. That is just ONE of the things that had started to become kind of the needle that broke the camels back (is that the way the saying goes??). I was being made to serve as receptionist at work, along with all my duties as main secretary, and my work was being left undone by spending so much time away from my desk.

I finally cried "ENOUGH!" on Oct 16, took 6 work days and 2 weekend off and when I returned on the 27th things were different. Some physical changes took place in the office and I now have an office all to myself, but the most important change is that the clerk who shared an office with me was moved out with the receptionist and they share the front window and phone duties. I now work 8-5, rather than 8-6:30 (and I was working with NO overtime pay!), I come home feeling relaxed, and most importantly, my work is getting done ON TIME!!

Another wonderful thing has come out of all this...I actually sleep now!! I used to lie awake until 3 am, would sleep 2 hrs, then would wake at 5 am, worried about everything I could think about! Believe it or not, I now usually asleep by 10:30 and with no "happy pills" (Xanax or OTC sleep aids). I actually get a good night's rest and wake refreshed and ready to go!

I have to get back into the journaling. I usually spend the holidays kind of depressed, don't ask me why, I guess just too much commercialization. I enjoy the lights and the weather, but somehow I am depressed. My mood usually lifts at the beginning of the year.

My weight is still the same...219 as of last week. I've been back and forth to the doctor for several different issues, will go into that in another post.

Thanks to my 2 (TWO!) fellow bloggers who follow my blog, and I think one is about to deliver a baby, if she hasn't by now. If you're reading this, maybe you can invite some of your readers to stop by my blog, would love to meet new online friends.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Not happy at all

This will not be a happy post.
I'm depressed.
I've suffered from depression for the last 30+ years. I tried to OD on sleeping pills when I was 21 because a boyfriend broke up with me. Crying out for help. Overnight in the hospital and then just swept it under the never happened as far as anyone is concerned...never spoke of it, ever, to anyone.
Miserable 4 year marriage from 23 to 28, 2 beautiful children who are now 26 & 28.
Weight loss surgery 7 years ago, lost lots of lbs, gained so much self-confidence, mingled with younger crowd, with bikers at motorcycle fests, did wild things I would never in my wildest dreams imagine doing.
Regained some weight, size XL now, no more size 12, no more pretty dresses. Old woman comfortable shoes and elastic waist pants to work.
Totally depressed. Happy one day, horribly sad the next. Want to shout out with joy with having a good day, want to just stay under the sheets and cry with sadness when having a bad day.
Why can't I find a happy medium?
Damn car accident in June sent me over again, feel like I'm spinning out of control. And I can't even put my finger on it. WHAT IS IT???
Used to take .25 mg of Xanax every now and then, find myself taking .25 at least twice daily just to get by! Found a 2 wk starter pack of Lexapro that doc gave me right after my car accident and took my first pill earlier today. Says should feel a change 2-6 wks after starting.

Everything bothers me, don't want to listen to the radio, kids at work bother me, sometimes I don't even want my 3 year old grandson to talk! And then I feel so guilty because my co-workers 3 year old grandson needs speech therapy because he just babbles, and I complain because mine sings and talks all day. Then today got a complaint from day care...he used the "F" word!!! It's just me, his mom and me at home, and we DO NOT use that word! We respect each other and others, and we would never use that word! I know he doesn't know what it is, but still...

I DON"T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE!! IT"S NOT FUN! Trying to cope with daily life while feeling empty inside is just not right.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Depressed Today

Looking back, I have fought depression since I was about 21. Not sure why, have been to several drs/psychiatrists/psycholigists, but never could pin it down to anything specific, just a chemical imbalance. I have days when I'm fine, then days when I am just weepy over anything and nothing---today was one of those days.

I had a VIVID nightmare last night. I got hit by a speeding car and I was spinning out of control. The minute that happened, I remember just feeling a relaxation, handing it over to my Heavenly Father, our God, and just started praying, "Our Father, who art in Heaven...", and I remember in my dream praying and repeating, "Thy will be done Lord, Thy will be done", because in my dream I knew I was going to die. That was the moment I woke up. It was a very real dream, like I said, it was SO vivid, I actually head the car crashing into me and I felt the spinning out of control.

I talked with my older brother about it and he says that in spite of my having faith in God, there is obviously something I haven't handed over to Him, something I still want to control. Because in my dream, I remember seeing the car coming and I thought, "I can do I, I'm going to cross", and that was when the car hit me. Indicating I still want to control whatever it is I haven't let go of. But in my dream I instantly gave it up to God, and I have to pray on it, I have to pray to God to open my heart and eyes to what it is that I haven't given up to Him.

I've been weepy all day so I took a Xanax earlier just to relax. I am returning to work tomorrow and am prepared to just "take it easy" and do only what is possible to do in an 8 hr work day. I will leave at 5, no more 6:30 for me, I never got paid overtime anyway. As things come up that I can pass on to one of the 2 clerks in the office, I will do it. I have to accept that no, I can't run the whole office by myself.

Hope everyone has a great week!
Estela in South TX

Saturday, October 25, 2008

To share

I absolutely LOVE to see other people's photos, so here's a few of mine. Sorry they're so big, I'm just learning my way around this site.

This is me a couple of months ago with roses from my children and my boyfriend for my 53rd birthday.

This is Milo, my 8 month old schnauzer. I had a loyal mutt for 8 yrs, lost him 2 yrs ago, and just this year I felt that I was "ready" for another pet, so my son gifted me with Milo. This was his first grooming session. Notice the look in his eye...Mom!! what did you do to me???!!!

This is my almost 4 y.o. grandson, touching a fish for the first time in his life. Standing with him is his "honorary grandpa", my boyfriend of almost 6 yrs.

This is what I love to do during the summer, spend as much time on the Gulf coast of South TX. This is my relaxation!!

Ryan, still afraid to touch the fish his grandpa caught.

Me and the light of my life, my grandson Ryan, relaxing at Taco CabaƱa.

My daughter with Ryan (her son)

Friday, October 24, 2008

Totally confused!

Oh Lord, I transferred my AOL journal over here, and have started following some of my regular blogs, but I didn't know I had to log into blogger to see y'all's updates!! ARGHHH!!! I thought I'd get notified like I did with AOL. Am I doing something wrong?

Then I log into google reader and there y'all are!! All 78 updates I haven't read!! Oh my! I have some serious catching up to do.

I'm so-so computer literate, nothing fancy, but because I just don't sit and learn all those glittery images and such. I know enough to get around, so excuse me while I catch up with everyone.

I've been home for 6 work days and 2 weekends, trying to bring my high blood pressure down, too much, just too much work at work!! I don't know how to delegate, don't know how to ask for help, and in the 19 years I've been the secretary at my campus, I've just acquired more and more responsibilities, until now my principal just expects me to do it all!! I kind of had it out with her last Thursday, and that made me pull back and decide to stay home for a week, after my pressure went high from all the stress. My health is more important than a job that will always be there.!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Yesterday (Tuesday) was an okay day.  I had an all morning meeting away from work so there was no chance for breakfast.  I am not an early breakfast person, I am more of a 9ish person, so couldn't get anything at that time.  At noon I went to Luby's and bought a spinach salad, LuAnn fried fish with fried cauliflower (to die for, had never tasted that) and broccoli wth rice casserole.  I ate the fish, 2 florets and most of the rice thingy.  I got SO sick!!  I guess it must have been because I ate "clean" on Monday, so there was no "junk" in my intestines. 

Due to my gastric bypass, I sometimes dump on certain foods.  The fried stuff must have been too much for my system.  My heart was racing, I broke out in a severe sweat and I felt like I was going to pass out.  That hadn't happened in years!  I relaxed, told myself I would be okay, and in a few minutes I was.  Had another string cheese and s.f. jello for afternoon snacks.

Didn't get home until about 8, and found myself eating supper at 9:30.  2 slices of lean deli ham, 1/4 slice cheese inside, a thin strip of celery and cilantro inside...delicious!!

Experimented a little at night: turkey meatballs...turkey, crushed pork rinds, celery and cilantro.  Baked 20 meatballs in the toaster oven for about 40 minutes, they came out devine!  Will be waiting for me for supper when I get home tonight.

WEIGHT: 224.25 (hey if the scale weighs in quarter pounds, I am gonna take it!)

I am so much looking forward to just 199!, just to see that "1" again, and then take it from there.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Day One

I decided that I would hit the escape & delete key in my daily struggle with my weight, and start all over again today.

Today's weight: 225.5

Breakfast: Protein shake

Snack:  1 cup s.f. jello

Lunch: 2 cups salad, 4 oz baked chicken breast. 

Snack at 3 pm: 1 string cheese

Snack at 5 pm: Protein Shake

Supper: 2 cups salad, 4 oz baked chicken breast

My salads are simple, just romaine lettuce, green bell pepper, carrots, and 1/4 c. cottage cheese to make it moist, no croutons or dressing.

I have an appt. next Monday to see my general practioner for an endoscopy referral.  I am really interested in finding out the size of my pouch and stoma 7.5 yrs after my gastric bypass.

I was quite satisfied with what I ate today.  I would love to be able to say that I'm very strong when it comes to willpower, but I'm a wuss.  Today I was able to just say no to cake and candy, I pray to God that He give me strength to continue this way of eating.  Food is just nutrition, I should be a glutton everytime I eat.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Time Flies...

I've been suffering from anxiety every single day as I take off for work.  I take deep breaths, I talk to myself, but it doesn't help.  There are times when I have to take some xanax just to be able to make the 8 minute drive to work.  Once at work I'm okay. 

So this morning I went to the dr's for a refill of my RX.  Got there at 8:15 before they even opened the office, I was the 4th one to sign in.  Several patients were called in before me and I understand some of them were there for labs only.  At 10 I finally got up and asked the nurse and the receptionist what was going on...why was I skipped...look around, I told them, the office is almost empty!  They were apologetic and said they'd look into it.  By the time they called me in 5 mins later I was furious!  Now I'm normally a very patient person, so my feelings this morning took my by surprise.  In fact, I had taken half a xanax before they called me in because I was starting to breathe heavy!  I was SO upset!  When they took my vitals I told the lvn, "don't EVEN take my blood pressure, I'm sure it's high!"  Anyway, I finally saw the PA (doctor was out), got my refill, and made sure to tell her to take notes that my anxiety has gotten very bad since my car accident. 

My attorney sent me the offer from the other insurance...they are offering $1,039 for my totalled Chevy Metro.  I sent him the criteria for my car being in good to fair condition and the value is much higher than that.  The trade in value would be 990 and the private party resale would be $2,150.  It told him to ask for at least $1,300.  I can only imagine what hassle we will have trying to collect on my bodily injury.  My physical pain may be over, but it's a nightmare for me to drive anywhere...I imagine every car is going to rear end me at any minute!  It's horrible feeling like that, but I can't help it.

My weight is at an all time high, 228 this morning.  Not even sure what to do anymore.I have an appt on the 29th with my doc to see about having an endoscopy to make sure everything is still in working order (from my gastric bypass).  Maybe I'll get an answer to the weight regain.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Going back...

My parents were working in Ohio when I was born, then we moved here when I was 2 yrs old.  

I married at 23, had 2 children, lived a miserable 4 yr marriage, then got out when I was 27.  I raised my son & daughter, now 28 and 26, alone.  Looking back I don't know how I did it financially.  There was no child support (not because I didn't challenge the legal system!), no welfare/food stamps (supposedly I earned too much for a family of 3, I think I used to earn about $800/month), and I had a $200/month mobile home pmt and $220/month child care.  I remember going to the grocery store weekly and only being able to spend $15.!! Of course, things were cheaper then, but still...  I tell eveyone who asks that GOD helped provide, because we never went without.

In spite of my ex cursing me and telling eveyone who would listen that I was going to lose everything, I managed to pay 11 yrs on the mobile home until it was paid for, then I took out an $8K loan and added a room and made some repairs, paid that off, and in the meantime I would scrimp by and save every penny I could. 

Six yrs ago I asked my parents to co-sign a $30K loan and my beloved BIL was my contractor and he built a 3 bedroom brick for me.  I am proud to say I paid $500/month and I just gave the final payment 2 wks ago!! YEAH ME!!!! How's THAT for Women Power?!?!???!!!  I always say, where there's a will, there's a way.

Don't want this to get too long, so I'm going to cut it here for now.  Will reminisce more as I have time.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


It's raining...AGAIN!! I had planned to work on my yard today and they're announcing flood advisories on the tv.  Oh boy, I'm going to have to hire a crew to come cut my 1 acre of grass when all this is over!  The grass is so wet all the time that we don't have a chance to cut before it grows really high again!

Not sure if you can make out how high the grass is from this picture. Half the trampoline's legs are hidden from the height of the grass.  See the bent poles?  That is as a result of Hurricane Dolly back in July. 

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Okay, so I live in South TX and we have been in a severe drought for yrs.  So what happens lately?...we've had more than our share of rain in the last MONTH!! Since Hurricane Dolly came by on 07/23 it seems that it's been raining at least twice a week!  Our yards are soaked, can't absorb any more water, there are poor areas "colonias" in Spanish that are still flooded in from the hurricane, people are displaced, everyone, including me, have been pitching in to scrape up what we can to help those in most need.

I got 2 comforters, pillows, linens, children's clothing, my clothes, then I bought a bunch of things from the dollar zone, shampoo, hand soap, dish soap, bleach, etc, to send to a needy family.  I wish I could help everyone, but I will do my share by helping at least one family.

Now it's Florida's turn, poor people, so much rain.  Water creates so much damage! 

I scanned a picture of me and sized it to 1.5" and the picture on the side bar is the result.  Can anyone help?  I'm not too computer literate, but I'm not illiterate either.

Have a wonderful day, I think I have to go cut some grass on my 1 acre lot.  Push mower, good exercise!

Saturday, August 23, 2008


I'm in shock!  My boyfriend (lives in San Antonio, 250 miles from me) informed me today that he has been let go from his job.  He has been there for 10 yrs!! RIF they called it, down-sizing, reduction in force...whatever, he is being laid off.  A few others were let go too, so he's not the only one.  The wonderful thing is that he is okay with it, they did what they had to do he says...but he is 57 yrs old, after all.  He comes with lots of computer experience, and he says he is not worried, but not very many people want to hire someone our age.  I will keep him in my prayers.  If you pray, pray for him, the he soon finds a job.  San Antonio is huge, so I'm staying optimistic.

I found a picture of my wrecked car, the one where the 15 y.o. drunk girl rear-ended me.  Here it is.

She hit me with a double cab dodge pick up.  Totally tore up my gas saver '99 Chevy Metro.  With the gas prices, I so wish I had it back.  Still fighting her insurance company.  If they only wanted to pay me 1/2 of what my car is valued at, can you just imagine what they are going to want to pay for my bodily injury?  A measly few dollars, I'm sure.  But I've got more time than money, and I will continue the fight!

My daily diet has been horrible!  No exercise, lots of pecan cookies, cokes, bite size chocolate candies.  Monday, it's back to the drawing board.

Monday, always Monday...


Wednesday, August 20, 2008


It's now 11:20 p.m., got home from work at 8 pm, picked up a 6-pack of Bud Lite to celebrate that I am about 98% done with what needs to be done by Monday, first day of classes for the school year.

I have decided to talk to my principal tomorrow and hit her up for at least 15 hrs of overtime pay.  I've been working 8am-8pm for almost 2 wks straight, and while the work in the office is not divided up evenly, I would rather do it and know that it's done RIGHT!  Would hate to have to be fixing mistakes on day one, when parents are crowding the office and things are just not right.

What is it with some people? they just not care, do they just know that it will be done by others?  There are new responsibilities at work and I absolutely REFUSE to take on any more!!  I have enough with the bookkeeping, school activity fund and about $80K in district funds.  That alone takes up my whole day, then I am also saddled with student records, because, as my asst. principal says,..."I don't want to trust anyone else with it."  Well, other people can learn, and they can learn to do it right!

If I do say so myself, I am the "sharpest pencil" in the office, among 4 of us there, what with almost 32 yrs experience.  But I am willing to train others, I won't be there forever! Maybe in 5 yrs or so my long-distance boyfriend of 5 yrs will be ready to retire and I can retire along with him :-)

...and if tomorrow my boss says I can't pay myself for some of my overtime I've been putting in, well, I'll just have to start getting rid of some responsibilities!  Nothing is set in stone as to who does what in the office, somehow since I'm the secretary and the other 3 are clerks, I just get saddled with the heavy loads!


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

So much for the "getting back to regular meals routine" this week.  I've been working 8am-8pm, going to mandatory boring meetings, and just snacking on bitesize chocolates (and I don't even care much for it, but it's there!), all out of extreme tiredness (is that even a word!!?) 

I'm almost done with everything I have to do for the first day of school which is Monday, the 25th, will probably finish by Thursday, then Friday will be clean up day.  Literally, clean up, the office, hide everything in the closets, and just make the office presentable.

It poured all day yesterday and we have some sort of plumbing problem in a below ground level room that we have in our campus.  Can you believe sewer water leaks in there?!?!? YUCK! The smell was all over the grounds today!  I can't imagine being a parent and walking in on Monday, bright and early, to the smell of poop!  Hope they fix it soon!

I haven't seen my long distance boyfriend in several weeks, and now with school opening won't see him this weekend for sure.  Gonna take a 3 day trip to New Mexico on Sept 2-5 to see my nephew graduate from the Border Patrol Academy, so I guess the boyfriend will have to wait till after that.

Ho-hum, such a boring, tiring day.  Let's hope for more excitement tomorrow.


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Getting back into the hang of journaling

Wow, August 16th, 10 days before my birthday...53, where have the years gone?...

So much has happened this summer, I was rear-ended on June 4th by a 15 year old little girl, she was drunk at 7 a.m., probably out all night.  Had to get an attorney because her insurance didn't want to accept liability, but they finally did.  The fight is on.

I am an elementary school secretary and we're in the process of getting ready for classes to begin on 08/25, out staff returns day after tomorrow, on the 18th.  Long hours await me, registering and keying in new students.  Unfortunately, I get no overtime pay, but I am compensated with comp time as needed.

Still struggling with my weight.  225 as of last week.  I'm glad we're back on regular schedule in 2 days, will be able to follow a regular meal schedule.  I am determined that I WILL start exercising again on Monday.  Monday, why do we always wait until the infamous "Monday"

So much to say, so many thoughts wandering around in my head.  Will write more as I think.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

Has it really been over 4 yrs??

Has it really been 4 years and 9 months since I last posted??  I should have listened to myself, should have posted daily to keep myself in check with my weight. 

It has been 7 years and 3 months since my gastric bypass weight loss surgery.  The surgery helped me lose 108 lbs in 18 months.  In the last 5 yrs and 9 months I have regained 52 of those lbs, bringing my weight back up to 222 as of last week.  Why am I such a food junkie?  Why can't I just do as the thin people do and just say, "no thank you" when offered something, especially when I'm not hungry when the item is offered!

I've been an avid reader of other people's online journals and finally realized that I have lots to say, even if it's just to get it off my chest, even if no one else but me ever reads what I have to say.

It's late, almost 2 a.m., so going to get some sleep (I'm a night owl so this is my regular time to get to bed).  I will think of where to start writing tomorrow.