Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Not happy at all

This will not be a happy post.
I'm depressed.
I've suffered from depression for the last 30+ years. I tried to OD on sleeping pills when I was 21 because a boyfriend broke up with me. Crying out for help. Overnight in the hospital and then just swept it under the rug...it never happened as far as anyone is concerned...never spoke of it, ever, to anyone.
Miserable 4 year marriage from 23 to 28, 2 beautiful children who are now 26 & 28.
Weight loss surgery 7 years ago, lost lots of lbs, gained so much self-confidence, mingled with younger crowd, with bikers at motorcycle fests, did wild things I would never in my wildest dreams imagine doing.
Regained some weight, size XL now, no more size 12, no more pretty dresses. Old woman comfortable shoes and elastic waist pants to work.
Totally depressed. Happy one day, horribly sad the next. Want to shout out with joy with having a good day, want to just stay under the sheets and cry with sadness when having a bad day.
Why can't I find a happy medium?
Damn car accident in June sent me over again, feel like I'm spinning out of control. And I can't even put my finger on it. WHAT IS IT???
Used to take .25 mg of Xanax every now and then, find myself taking .25 at least twice daily just to get by! Found a 2 wk starter pack of Lexapro that doc gave me right after my car accident and took my first pill earlier today. Says should feel a change 2-6 wks after starting.

Everything bothers me, don't want to listen to the radio, kids at work bother me, sometimes I don't even want my 3 year old grandson to talk! And then I feel so guilty because my co-workers 3 year old grandson needs speech therapy because he just babbles, and I complain because mine sings and talks all day. Then today got a complaint from day care...he used the "F" word!!! It's just me, his mom and me at home, and we DO NOT use that word! We respect each other and others, and we would never use that word! I know he doesn't know what it is, but still...

I DON"T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE!! IT"S NOT FUN! Trying to cope with daily life while feeling empty inside is just not right.

1 comment:

  1. There are so many ways to fight depression without meds... I beleive that at times the meds CAN make it worse. R U exercising, getting enough sleep, eating well, taking vitamins, spending time doing what you enjoy doing, laughing with friends... all these things can play a part in depression. Determine to live life well for YOU!!!