Sunday, September 13, 2009
3 major episodes have driven me back into a depression I hadn't suffered since I was in my 20's. My aunt passed away in Illinois on July 25th, another aunt passed away on August 11th. This second aunt's passing has shattered me - she lived next door to my parents, she was 84, she was like my 2nd mother, I was everywhere with her when I was little, she was my dad's only sibling left out of 10 siblings. I am still in non-belief that she is not in the little white house that stands 6 ft next to my parents. I cry for her every day. I miss her so much.
...and the third event I can't even believe. I have a brilliant, so intelligent 4 yr old grandson who lives with me and his mom. He started Pre-Kinder on Aug 24th and has been in trouble EVERY SINGLE day since then. I tell you, we are talking about 2 different personalities here! He is kind, loving, yes he is hyperactive and we have known it, so he just got on Ritalin on Sept 2nd, but at home is just a kid. At school he is lashing out, hitting adults, hitting kids, throwing furniture, and worst of all, CUSSING like a sailor! WHAT?!?!?! Believe me when I say not a SINGLE cuss word is spoken in our home and never has been. We thought it was great when his dad finally came around and started seeing him in Feb of this year. Picked him up religiously every other wkend and now this...my grandson says his dad says those words when he is angry. Poor little kid, saying words he doesn't even know the meaning of, but knows that daddys says them when he is angry, so he does it too. He is forbidden from seeing him for the meantime. Of course he denies that he uses that language, but we know him only too well. We thought he would fight for his rights to see him, but his just told him mom that he wasn't going to fight my daughter, that if she didn't want him to see his son, then so be it. I am sure he is rejoicing at not having the responsibility that he denied for over 3 yrs. I raised 2 kids on my own, I tell my daughter she will be okay too.
I tell them I would have to see a video of him doing what they say because, not that I don't believe them (I work in a school and have seen it ALL), but this is so surreal, that we are talking about the same child. Saying things like f*** b*** to tchrs, saying I'm going to kick your a**, calling tchrs f****rs....Words we have NEVER EVER EVER said at my home!!! I am still in shock.
There is a special class in his school called an adaptive behavior unit. Administration is thinking of placing him there to see if he settles down, the special ed behavior specialist who has observed him a couple of times is against it. But he has only seen him being a little defiant, he hasn't seen him at his worst. Even his tchr can't believe the changes he goes through during the day.
I am depressed. I cry every day. He was at my school the first 5 days and I was a total mess seeing him brought to the office at least 4X daily. We finally moved him to the school he belongs to (we had him at my school on special permission). I was very close to a nervous breakdown, which I have had before, and moving him was for the best. My daughter now goes into work at 6:30 am so she can leave at 3 to pick him up. I was taking him and picking him up daily but getting the bad rpts daily did me in after 5 days. I was falling apart.
I am better, but still going through my life like a robot, just doing what I know needs to be done. I take Xanax daily to get me through, but don't want to go back on anti-depressants, too afraid of the suicidal effects coming back.
Please pray for little Ryan.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Well, lots of the labs that I need are not your normal labs. I was there for 2 hours, the tech had to call different places for guidance, the office manager had to go buy aluminum foil because 3 of the tests mandate that the vials of blood be shielded immediately from light, some vials had to be frozen immediately. I was very patient, but I was getting ready to leave when he finally said he was ready. I politely told him, "please keep notes of everything in my file for next year." and I said it with a smile :-)
Then the weigh in...ugh....I weigh 224.25. I guess that is good (in a way) because when I left work on 6/25 my weight was almost 228. Then I went on vacation and refused to weigh in when I returned. I've been very good, mostly since I returned from vacation last Friday. I am having slim fast for b/f, a big salad with protein (chicken breast, turkey meatballs, etc.) for lunch, protein shakes in between, and MORE salad with protein for supper. Today I cheated and had a 99cent bag of crunchy cheetos. That's because my daughter wasn't with me, or else she would have talked me out of it. We are both trying to lose weight, she wants to drop 35 lbs, I want to drop 55, the lbs I have regained since my all-time low of 170 after my bypass surgery.
I read so many journals and see where people break up weight loss goals into 5# increments, maybe that's what I need to do, rather than see the BIG picture of 55 lbs! In actuality, I should be aiming for 70-80 lbs, my surgeon's goal for me was 140. I was a size 12 at 170, so I cannot imagine what size I would be at 140...maybe a 6 or 8?? no wayyyyyyyyyyyy, I would be skin and bones at that size.
I have been walking an hour for the last 3 days for exercise. I live in a rural area and there is a drainage canal next to my house with wide embankments on the sides. My sister and I meet there at 8 pm and just walk until 9. It's a great workout! My ankle has been bothering me a little since I started walking at a faster pace, hopefully it will hold out because I do not want to quit exercising. I have to see the # on the scale continue to drop down.
On another note, my parents (80 and 81 yrs old), a 67 y.o. aunt and I will be driving to Rockford, IL on Monday, July 20th, God Willing will arrive there the next day. An aunt of mine is quite ill and is not expected to live long. While there plans are to travel to Port Clinton, OH. That is the tiny (6,000 population) town where I was born and have never visited. We moved here when I was 2 yrs old. I am not excited about all the driving, but I am very anxious to see new places. The majority of our trip is just to get OUT of Texas!!!!!! We live waaaaaaaaaaaay down in the south of TX so anywhere we go, we have to get out of TX FIRST.
Our school has declined - the morale is low, our texas tests are low, everyone does what they please - their attitude was if the principal doesn't care, why should we? There was no discipline at our school - either for kids OR staff.
All this time, we were so sure our assistant principal, who has been there 11 years, would move up. Well, the school board branded her "Guilty by association" and didn't promote her. I guess they figured that she would carry on the same type of administration, but they were oh so wrong! This young lady, all of 43 years old, is a genius! She has it all, knowledge, wonderful rapport with staff and parents, great discipline (when the principal would allow her to follow through), great with budgets, timelines, etc, etc.
She resigned on July 9th :-( She called me, said she had to personally call me to let me know before I heard it from someone else. We got along GREAT and we had already talked about the changes that needed to be made. She has applied at surrounding school districts, has her masters in counseling so says she would like to try that for a couple of yrs and then put in for administrative work. I am sure going to miss her.
I met our new principal briefly. I have heard from like 10 people and they have all raved about her - that she is EXCELLENT in all she does. Maybe the top administration sent her over to "fix" our school. We seem to have developed a good beginning. I mean, what can I do?...I have to work with her. I consider myself a "people person". I get along with everyone I meet. I like to please - is that the "fat girl wanting acceptance" in me? Maybe not, I've known some mean fat people in my life!! LOL!
Anyway, I am meeting with my new principal tomorrow for a small pow-wow, I already have my list of "suggestions" for her. She commented to me that she was going to rely on my word because she knows that school secretaries are the "heart" of the school. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Picture 1: View of the bay from our cottage.
Picture 2: View of our cottage from the private pier. The little cottage shown here used to be a bait stand. Our cottage is across the street from the pier.
Picture 3: Sitting on the pier at sundown. Aaaahhh, so relaxing.
Friends have said we don't love each other enough to get married. But I think it's BECAUSE we love each other so much that we are so happy with our arrangement. I just look at it as if we are married but our jobs keep us living in separate places.
Don't even want to weigh myself, thinking at least 5 lbs up during vacation. But daughter and I are helping each other out with good eating habits and I'm hoping that will finally get me moving in the right direction.
My grandson who lives with me is starting school in a few weeks. WOW, seems like just yesterday my daughter shocked me with, "I'm pregnant." We promised to love and support each other and we have. She and Ryan live with me, she works at the school I work at and I take care of him while she attends the university at night. She's half-way done so we're looking forward to the day she has her degree. Something she should have done when she didn't have a child to look after, but better now while she is unmarried and has no other commitments and still lives with me.
My new grandson turned 1 month 2 days ago! Can you believe it?? WOW, time is going to fly! I haven't gone to see him since I returned on Friday, but will spend the day with them tomorrow.
I've got another post in my mind, but it's related to my job.
I'll be back later tonight to put that up.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
This is my only son, proud as he can be of being a first-time Daddy.
This is Mommy, just loving on her newborn son.
This is proud Grandma, amazed at how much Adrian looks like his daddy when he was first born.
And this is the face that wakes my son & DIL at 2 a.m.!!
Weight-wise, I am still the same. Every day, EVERY SINGLE DAY, I say to self, "Self, today you will start liquid diet," and every single evening I am disappointed in self. Weight loss surgery or not, it's still the same old battle, mouth loves to eat, brain hates mouth. I still weigh 220 lbs :-(
Thank you Joann, for bringing me out of lurkdom, and reminding me that people still want to hear about this end of the USA.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Today is my son's 29th birthday. How is that possible? He was just a baby!!! Oh the trials we have been through, you and me, my son... Me, a woman, raising a boy all on my own, not knowing how to handle the "man" things but trying with all my might to learn how to pitch a baseball so you could practice. I desperately wanted to teach you how to fish, but resources were so very limited, there was never any money for ANYTHING except the needs we had, and sometimes not even for that.
But...time passed and you have grown from an 8 lb, 8 oz, 22" long baby into a 6'6" 250 hunk! You are a loving, respectful, and very much respected, young man. Soon (in June, God Willing), you too, will have your own son. I can't wait to hold baby Adrian in my arms, but I most definitely can hardly wait to see YOU holding your own son.
This was Sunday at my daughter in law's baby shower. This is my son Gilbert, Letty, my mom and me...almost 4 generations.
I'm on Spring Break this week, doing NOTHING!
I've just been taking care of errands that I can't do while working and that means SPENDING MONEY!! Yesterday $105. for car registration/title transfer, tomorrow it will be $125. to get my car window motor repaired and $60. to apply for a passport...me, a US citizen, will need a passport because I LOOOOOVE to go into Mexico for a few hours and drink 'em up those Margaritas!!
Catch you 'all in a bit...that's what I get for not posting in a month!!
If anyone is interested, our local newspaper is carrying updated information on the accident on their site http://www.themonitor.com/. Our lives are in God's hands, we just never know...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
To catch up...I went to Corpus Christi to meet up with my boyfriend of 6 yrs. Valentine's Day was our 6th anniversary, we originally met there back in 2003 after chatting online for about 6 weeks and the rest is history :-) We dined at Blackbeards, which has become a tradition and then just stayed in and enjoyed each other's company. It's amazing what good friends we are, we can sit and talk for hours. I would hate to get married and have that end so I've chosen to enjoy being a "girlfriend" for as long as I can.
Last nght my 26 y.o. daughter and I got into an argument, which is quite rare. It was over some trivial issue and she just said, "now I know what Gilbert (my son) meant when he said he felt like he was walking on eggshells when he lived at home, I can't tell you anything without you blowing it out of proportion!" THAT HURT! Walking on eggshells...? If anyone went through what I went through from 1998-2003 with my son, oh Lord, I dont' even want to remember...3 car accidents, 2 of them hospitalized, major motorcycle accident, broken right arm, rod inserted, lost the use of his wrist until 2006 when he had tendon replacement, traffic citations after traffic citations, arrests for failing to appear in court, staying up all night worrying about him, where was he? was he turned over in a ditch somewhere? was he in jail? And then he had the nerve to say he felt like he was walking on eggshells while living with me?
I wish I was one of those mothers who could say, "Tough Shit, I'm the mom and if you don't like it, there's the door!" But I'm a softie and I never want to hurt my kids, I never embarassed them in front of their friends, I went to every single band practice/concert/football game, every event - I was there. And now my son has said a couple of times that he remembers being "terrified" of me, I told him that didn't sound so nice, and he said, "Noooo, that's good, because that kept me in line." Well, that may have worked until he was 18, and once he graduated all hell broke lose.
Why are we, the parents, always made out to be the bad guy?
Well, my daughter has a 4 year old son and my son will be a daddy come June (God willing) and one day, they too will be parents of grown up kids. I hope I'm around to hear what their grown up kids remember about them.
On a brighter note...I mysteriously lost 2 lbs this week. Scale read 220 today. YEAH!! But, BIG BUT...I was so depressed after my fight with my daughter that I found myself at the bakery buying 4 HUGE cookies! Comfort foods, that's all I could think of today while I was crying all day, just wanted to eat myself into oblivion.
Follow up with my ortho specialist today. All is well, I can remove the brace, he wants me to walk as much as I can without it, wants me to wear it if I'm going to be in crowds, or like at fairs/carnivals, etc. My last physical therpy session was this week, my $1,500. insurance limit has been met so now I get to do all my exercises at home. The therpist gave me a print out of what to do, they are mostly stretching exercises to help stretch my calf and the back of my ankle, the tendon has not totally relaxed so it's a little hard to walk normally. But...if I walk really slow, you can hardly tell that I have an injury. YEAH! Almost...almost back to normal!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I am constantly fighting with my food demons...last week after therapy I drove by a health food place and tasted some sugar coated cashews. They were devine and I bought $10. worth!! I ate for several days, then I finally threw out about half the bag out into the grass, I was sick of eating them...that's probably part of my 5 lb regain in a week! I just have to get my ass in gear and JUST DO IT! In early January I was told about a wedding on 2/21 and I thought...ahhhh, I have like 7 weeks to lose AT LEAST 10 lbs - did I do it? Nope, and the wedding is in 8 days. Tomorrow...it's always tomorrow. Damn food demons, why doesn't someone exorcise them for me!?!?!??!!
I will travel by bus this weekend for 3 hrs to go visit my boyfriend, it's our 6 year anniversary and we've always spent it together, so I hope my ankle is able to lift me up onto old Greyhound!
I sure hope I post a better weigh in next week. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I returned to work on Monday and all has gone well. I am very happy to see that the 2 clerks have fared well while I was gone (not that they need me there to do their work), but they seem to have developed a new routine for handling the front office and that leaves me free to do my work w/o having to help them. They answer the phones, take care of the parents who walk in, and handle most of the staff's questions. That frees me to do the bookkeeping/bill paying/payroll/substitutes, etc, etc. It has gone nice and smooth and I was able to go to therapy 3 times this week. I have 2 more sessions scheduled this coming week and then a follow-up with the orthopaedic specialist on the 19th, maybe the brace will be removed at that time. Oh, I didn't mention that as of yesterday I am crutch-free and walking on my own. It was "strange" to stand by the parallel bars and gradually put all my weight on my left foot, I thought I wouldn't be able to, but the therapist gave me the confidence to do it, he kept reassuring me that the bone is healed and that I would be fine, so I walked out of there with my crutch in my hand and not under my armpit :-)
I know I lost some weight while I was at home THANK GOD, because I was worried about boredom-eating. One of my co-workers is one of those who notices EVERYTHING and is quite observant. As soon as I walked in on Monday, she said, "Wow, you lost lots of weight, were you not eating?!?" I told her I was careful of what I ate because I was worried about gaining from just laying around. My clothes fit better and so do my jeans! I am continuing to be very mindful of what I eat also. I usually have one egg with a small slice of ready-to-eat canadian bacon for breakfast, a protein shake for lunch, then I just have a light supper, maybe cottage cheese with a couple of slices of deli lean ham and some pork rinds. You would think I would be losing lots of weight, but my metabolism is shot from my gastric bypass and I know I should be eating more to get it revved up and of course, there's the no exercise, especially lately, but I am determined that this year will be the year I get back under 200 by the end of the year. My all-time high back in about October was 228, I am probably about 215 now, couldn't weigh myself this week because the coaches had the scale in the gym and I was not about to hobble all the way across campus just to use the scale. But this coming week I will make it a point to weigh myself and see if I am more or less correct on my #s.
I have a dream I need to talk about, but don't want to make this post too long, so will cut this one here. Last night's dream coming up...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I have to admit, it's been nice staying home, totally quiet during the day, but now that I'm feeling much better, it's getting a little boring. I want to get out and be about town, shopping, or just window shopping, so I figure I had better head back to work before I "dollar store" myself broke!
I called in to work, informed my assistant principal that I will return on Monday, but I told her I need some modifications...help with a runner (not a problem, a clerk will do that for me), I need to leave early 3X week for therapy, and I need someone to cover the front office when I am alone. I cover from 1-1:45 while the others go to lunch, and let me tell you, that office can get quite busy with parents coming in ALL THE TIME to take their kids early. I can't be getting up over and over to help them, so they are getting someone to be there with me.
In other news, not sure if I've mentioned before, but I'm going to be a Grandma again! (Grandson #2 coming up, God willing, in June). My son and his lovely fiance are expecting a baby, a TALL TALL baby, he is 6'6", and she is 5'8", so we expect a beautiful baby boy with long legs! A baby shower is planned for March and both families are ecstatic!
It's been beautiful here in South Texas, about 50 in the morning, warms up to 65 during the day, if I was walking better I'd be at a park!
Thanks to my friends who have been checking up on me. I've been reading, just haven't been commenting.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
I have this other ankle brace from 6 yrs ago and it's much more comfortable. I'm going to ask if I can switch to this one. The only thing is that this one indicates that it's for the right foot and my left is the one injured.
Doc said to continue with 2 crutches while applying 50% of my weight on the ankle. How do I now when I'm at 50%?? After a week he said to apply 75% (again with the percentages) and use only one crutch. On week three he said to use just a cane. I start therapy tomorrow. I was thinking he was ready to release me to work today, but when I told him I had paid sick leave and disability leave, he said "ok, come see me on Feb 19th". I'm not sure I want to be out that long, my ankle really feels very strong. I was walking around on my boot w/o the crutches and I can kind of hobble around on this new brace w/o the crutches. But I'm afraid I may be putting too much pressure on the healing bone and I just may regret it in the yrs to come.
My principal sounded a little disappointed when I told her one more month, said we have budgets and such to work on. I told her I'm doing it all from home, I'm just not there physically.
I reminded her I'm just a phone call away.
I have to give myself a huge pat on the back here...I run the office w/o any help from my principal but she relies heavily on me. She doesn't need my help to run the school, but when it comes to budgeting and accounting, I will find the last penny! She knows nothing about budgets.
I could go on and on, but I will just say that too much would have been left undone if I hadn't been working from home as I have been doing. I could have sat back and said, 'sorry, I'm on sick leave' and refused to do anything, but I'm a responsible person, and lots of people's paychecks depend on me and no one but me knows what I do there.
The doc said since I haven't been using the ankle for 5 wks, it's kind of stiff. So I'm going to do about 2 wks of therapy and see how it goes.
Meantime, I will continue to enjoy my days at home. My sleep patterns are HORRIBLE so when I get ready to return to work I will have to plan ahead and FORCE myself to go to bed at a decent hour.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
This is my grandson imitating me. This is the "astronaut/moon boot" I use along with the crutches. You had to have been there because it was hilarious! Oh, and he thought to do this all by himself.
Doctor's follow-up tomorrow, we'll see what the status is on my ankle.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Lo and behold! Friends started popping out from everywhere...all parts of the US, I think one of my followers is from across the ocean! I never did learn how to "search" for blogs, so as I read blogs I follow, I click on those who follow them. I have to say that I am enjoying this tremendously! I have never had a big circle of friends, 1 or 2 close friends at best, and this is the next best thing. I have learned about people's lives, their spouses, children, pets, likes/dislikes, vacations (almost like being there), and lately, the weather.
Learning to maneuver myself around blogger (compared to AOL journals) couldn't have come at a better time than now that I have been home for 5 wks with a broken ankle. I sit on the recliner day and night, leg propped up and just read away. One blog was so fascinating that I stayed up ALL NIGHT reading, from 11 pm until 7:30 a.m. I e-mailed the lady and told her, unfortunately she hasn't posted in awhile, kind of like losing touch with a good friend. Once I return to work, the laptop will be gone and it'll be back to the desk PC. Time will be more limited there since I will have to go to sleep at a decent hour!
So to all my friends out there, THANK YOU for accepting me into your lives! :-)
Monday, January 12, 2009
out-of-the-can soup. Ingredients: Beef broth, veggie broth, can of carrots, diced tomatoes, can of beans.
If you are reading, please send it to my e-mail at Venus905 at aol dot com.
I have all the ingredients, but didn't keep track of the recipe. It's supposed to be cold & rainy here in South TX on Friday and would love to have some soup on hand.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Just to give y'all a shout out and share this beautiful piece:
A scientist once ran an experiment which he called "processional caterpillars". He lined up caterpillars on the rim of a pot that held a plant so that the lead caterpillar was head to tail with the last caterpillar, with no break with the parade. The tiny creatures walked around the rim of the pot for a full week before they died of exhaustion and starvation. Not once did any of the caterpillars break out of the line and venture over into the plant to eat. Food was only inches away, but the follow the leader instinct was even stronger than the drive to eat and survive!
When we find ourselves in the rut, we do well to ask ourselves these three questions:
1. Is this rut is my own making? We tend to choose a rut because it’s comfortable and requires no risk. To get out of a rut, make new choices.
2. Who am I following? We adopt certain patterns in our lives because someone has taught them to us directly or by example. Make sure you are following good leaders; don't simply follow the crowd.
3. Where am I going ? Ruts develop when we lose a sense of vision of our lives... When we are "just traveling" through life and not attempting to arrive at a destination. Goals take you somewhere!
"A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd"
This is to remind you that first you have to identify the ruts in your life before you can even change them. So spend so time alone and examine what has been holding you back in your life. And then resolve to make healthy changes in your life that will start to turn things around.
Have a wonderful day!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
This is what I am presently wearing:
Not sure when this is coming off, but at least it keeps my healing ankle stabilized and I have started to put a little weight on it as I walk around in my crutches. I feel okay during the day but then I realize that I usually overdo it during the day...when I'm hurting at night!
Next specialist appt on the 19th, we shall see what's up.
And this is what I am longing to wear: I can hardly wait for the summer to head back out to the surfside in Corpus Christi, kick back, relax under a huge umbrella, good book in one hand, cold one in the other. Aaaaaaah, that is the life!
Beginning today I will no longer worry about yesterday.
It is in the past and the past will never change.
Only I can change by choosing to do so.
Beginning today I will no longer worry about tomorrow.
Tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it.
But I cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today.
Beginning today I will look in the mirror
and I will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration .
This capable person looking back at me
is someone I enjoy spending time with
and someone I would like to get to know better.
Beginning today I will cherish each moment of my life.
I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world
and I will unselfishly share this gift with others.
I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.
Beginning today I will take a moment to step off the beaten path
and to revel in the mysteries I encounter.
I will face challenges with courage and determination.
I will overcome what barriers there may be which hinder my quest
for growth and self-improvement.
Beginning today I will take life one day at a time, one step at a time.
Discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image,
my desire to succeed or my capacity to love.
Beginning today I walk with renewed faith,
Regardless of what has gone before,
I believe there is hope for a brighter and better future.
Beginning today I will open my mind and my heart.
I will welcome new experiences.
I will meet new people.
I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else:
perfection does not exist in an imperfect world .
But I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.
Beginning today I am responsible for my own happiness
and I will do things that make me happy . . .
admire the beautiful wonders of nature,
listen to my favorite music ,
pet a kitten or a puppy, soak in a bubble bath . . .
pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.
Beginning today I will learn something new;
I will try something different;
I will savor all the various flavors life has to offer .
I will change what I can and the rest I will let go.
I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.
Beginning today. And every day.
I will realized just how much God loves me,
sometimes we need to also love ourselves through His eyes.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I am the "middle" child. For some reason I can look back and remember feeling "all alone". I was the spoiled baby for 8 yrs until my brother was born, everyone talks, and I remember, about me being spoiled by my daddy. Why, then, do I remember feeling "alone" as I went into my teens and early 20's? Looking back, now at 53 yrs old, I can remember looking, looking for 'something', not knowing what. I was always overweight, never did the teen scene, never did the prom, etc. I went on dates, always with the boys who had girlfriends, always on the sly. Never had sex, but always made out with them, and I can definitely remember thinking maybe they would leave their g.f. for me! Never happened.
When I was 21 I lost weight, enough to find a boyfriend. Nice and strong relationship, fast & furious, rush, rush, for a little over a year. Then he lost interest. I was devastated! I threatened suicide! WHAT?!? And I, the big dumb ass, took some pills and wound up in the hospital, stomach pumped, and he left anyway.
2 yrs later I ran into my best friend's old boyfriend. We clicked, started dating, and 5 wks later we moved into an apartment. Now remember, this was back in 1979, you just didn't do that in a teeny tiny town like ours. But we did. And it was doomed from the beginning. But how could I go back? My mother was SO ashamed about what I had done, she barely spoke to me. The in-laws were no better, they wanted money from us for taking care of my husband's daughter, they wanted food from us, they were just horrible to us!
I stuck it out, 2 pregnancies, while he treated me like shit! He drank, called me the most horrible things he could. Meanwhile, all I could yell at him was "Why do you say that to me?!? Don't you see that we're equal?" and I was DETERMINED to make him see me as the whole woman I was. All along, my self-esteem plummeted down to ZERO! I am so ashamed to say that there were shouting matches between his new g.f. and me, still the mother of his children, I had my son and was pregnant with my daughter. It didn't matter. I didn't care about me anymore.
Why would I do that to myself? Why would I hang on to his legs as he tried to walk out the door? I can picture us now, me clinging like a little puppy while he tried to shake me off.
I cried so many tears for so long. I don't cry anymore.
I felt empty.
From my regular 200 I found myself almost at 300, while trying to raise 2 little ones and with hardly a penny to my name. I must have managed to find food to eat myself up to 285 lbs!
What happens in our minds?
Why do we punish ourselves?
As my kids grew and started going out at night, I would prepare myself with my friend to keep my company. I would go buy Oreo cookies and milk, and would stuff my face while they were gone. I convinced myself that I wasnt lonely, I was comfortable with my 'friend'. I didn't feel lonely.
I must have been trying to fill that "void" everyone talks about.
He killed my soul. He killed my spirit. He didn't love himself so how could he love me? Silly girl, took me 20 yrs to find that out.
WHEW, that's a load off my chest.
Oh, the skeletons we have in our closets.
Four places I go over and over again:
1. Corpus Christi, TX - my boyfriend from San Antonio loves to fish and I love to sit by the oceanside, listening to the pounding surf...so relaxing.
2. Dollar Stores - aren't they just the bomb?! So many good items to be found there, especially love the Dollar Tree, where everything is REALLY a dollar.
3. Wal-Mart - I can't imagine not having a wal-mart close by, and to think some people boycott this store.
4. My parents home - they are 81 and 80, still very lively, but hey, ALL our lives are in Our Lord's hands, and only He knows when we take our last breath. I want to enjoy every minute I can with my folks.
Four people who mail me regularly: (we're talking e-mail here, right? not snail mail cause nobody snail-mails anymore except my mother!)
1. Janie (married to my former brother in law, she lives up in New Braunfels, TX and I am just so jealous, because I love the Hill Country.)
2. Noelia (a co-worker/secretary at another campus in my district)
3. Moose (my boyfriend)
4. My long lost relative in Nigeria. Mike, could you and I be related?!?!?!?
Four of my favorite places to eat, (apart from home):
2. Wal-Mart Deli Popcorn Chicken
3. Taqueria Jalisco in Corpus Christi
4. My parents during lunch break. I'm not a big eater of take out.
Four places I'd rather be now:
1. Corpus Christi, lounging by the oceanside
2. San Antonio, relaxing by Calaveras Lake
3. Anywhere in the Hill Country of Texas
4. In a thinner body!!
Four favorite TV shows:
1. Cold Case Files(I'm a sucker for crime TV)
2. Forensic Files - man, what one single strand of carpet fiber will reveal!
3. Snapped - why do people think they can get away with murder?
4. The Suze Orman Show - she's just so SMART about money!
Four movies I would watch over and over again:
1. Back to the Future I
2. The Green Mile
3. The Shawshank Redemption
4. Cast Away
Four people I would like to tag:
(Again, remember I haven't learned how to insert links!)
1. Winivere -Woman in the Glass Box
2. CJ - Trappednme
3. Kelly - Operation Shrink A Bootie
4. Joann - Joann's Weight Loss Journey
Thank you Mike, it took me about 45 minutes to do this. It's 12:54 a.m. and since I don't have to go work tomorrow, still up reading about my friends out in BlogLand.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
1. I am the middle of 5 siblings, brother, sister, ME, brother, brother. Everyone was born in TX and I was the only one born in Ohio. My parents celebrated 58 years of marriage June 2008.
2. My first temporary job lasted 3 days. I was an interpreter for a photographer at a local discount store. I couldn't find a permanent job when I graduated because I was only 17 and everyone wanted me to be 18!!
3. I am a VERY loyal employee -- I worked at my first permanent job for 4 yrs and at my present job for 32 years! OH MY!!
4. I was the baby of the family for 8 yrs until my younger brother was born. I was spoiled rotten!
5. I married a man who had been in love with my best friend when we were in high school. (He should have married her and made her miserable!) We were together 3 yrs and the marriage lasted 4 yrs.
6. I never let the ex forget that he left 2 innocent children behind, kept after him for child support. He was last in jail in 2006, when my children were already 24 & 26. To this date I am owed over $130,000!!
7. I lived in a mobile home for 22 yrs, then built a 3 bedroom brick home for $30K. Paid off the loan in 5 yrs! When I moved into my new home I donated my mobile home to a friend's church.
8. I may look like your local librarian, but I mingled with over 20,000 bikers at the Annual Bike Fest in South Padre Island in 2002. Broke my right wrist from a motorcycle fall. OUCH, but what fun I had!!
9. I broke my left ankle on 12/10 when I slipped on rain water while trying to retrieve my newspaper. Just now starting to feel better.
10. My "boyfriend" and I met through match.com in 2003, still together. We live 250 miles apart, see each other every 2 or 3 wks. The weekends when we don't see eacher other, I play Scrabble with my 79 year old mother on Saturday nights.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I gave it some thought and realized I really can't do anything about the days that I will be out. If I am out 20 days, then 20 days will be sent in to payroll. Trying to make any changes in # of days absent can get complicated, especially because I am applying for disability. The disability company wants to know first day out and date of return.
BUT...I am going to request 5 days of comp time for when I go back. I will use those days as needed. If the school year ends and I have not used them, then I will carry them over to next year.
I have tried cross training one of the clerks, but she kind of rebels. She's like, "no no, I will just wait till you come back. It's too much work".
CJ, you know it's almost impossible to get someone to learn EVERY LITTLE THING we do to keep the school running. Plus, I could try to train her, but when you don't do the job on a daily basis, you tend to forget, which is what would probably happen to the clerk.
I just thank Almighty God that I love my job and the people I work with, because if I didn't I would NOT be worried about the job getting done and then all hell would break loose!
Estela in South TX
If you've been following me, you know I fell and broke my ankle on 12/10/08. I work with a school district where I am the secretary at an elementary campus. I am in charge of time sheets, monthly payroll, including keying in substitute pay. Here's my dilemna...
I applied for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) since I didn't know how long I would be out. I have about 120 days of paid sick leave so I am not worried about not getting paid while I am absent. However, no one has been willing to be cross-trained in my job responsibilities. My son is a computer tech with the same school district and he has hooked me up with the ability to access my computer at work from home. So while I am at home I can do my work as if I am sitting in front of my computer. I have done, and continue to do, all payroll from home. If I don't key in absences for employees, the subs called in do not get paid. There is NO ONE at my campus who knows how to do this, so it is IMPERATIVE that it get done.
When my daughter had her baby 4 yrs ago I was in the same predicament. I applied for FMLA and the clerk at Risk Management asked me who was doing my work. I told her that I was going into the office from 5-7 pm daily to do it. She told me that since I was still "officially working" it would be up to my principal to make some arrangements with me, because when you are on FMLA, you CANNOT be at your work place AT ALL. At that time, I took 20 days of sick leave but was not marked absent because I was still working, albeit not a full 8 hr day, but my work was getting done.
What would you do? Would you ask that the same considerations be taken into account as when my grandson was born? There is NO WAY that my work will be done if I don't do it. I hate to think what would happen if I was incapacitated, example: if I was hospitalized, or God forbid, if I was gone...
What would you do? Ask for special consideration or just let the school district take the sick leave days (since I will not be docked at all). I am a VERY loyal employee and don't want to let my campus/employees/substitutes down.
Thanks for any input!!