I've been watching Oprah all week. She keeps insisting that the reason we're overweight is because "something" is missing, not because we enjoy eating. I've always said I enjoy eating and that's my reason, BUT...looking back...
I am the "middle" child. For some reason I can look back and remember feeling "all alone". I was the spoiled baby for 8 yrs until my brother was born, everyone talks, and I remember, about me being spoiled by my daddy. Why, then, do I remember feeling "alone" as I went into my teens and early 20's? Looking back, now at 53 yrs old, I can remember looking, looking for 'something', not knowing what. I was always overweight, never did the teen scene, never did the prom, etc. I went on dates, always with the boys who had girlfriends, always on the sly. Never had sex, but always made out with them, and I can definitely remember thinking maybe they would leave their g.f. for me! Never happened.
When I was 21 I lost weight, enough to find a boyfriend. Nice and strong relationship, fast & furious, rush, rush, for a little over a year. Then he lost interest. I was devastated! I threatened suicide! WHAT?!? And I, the big dumb ass, took some pills and wound up in the hospital, stomach pumped, and he left anyway.
2 yrs later I ran into my best friend's old boyfriend. We clicked, started dating, and 5 wks later we moved into an apartment. Now remember, this was back in 1979, you just didn't do that in a teeny tiny town like ours. But we did. And it was doomed from the beginning. But how could I go back? My mother was SO ashamed about what I had done, she barely spoke to me. The in-laws were no better, they wanted money from us for taking care of my husband's daughter, they wanted food from us, they were just horrible to us!
I stuck it out, 2 pregnancies, while he treated me like shit! He drank, called me the most horrible things he could. Meanwhile, all I could yell at him was "Why do you say that to me?!? Don't you see that we're equal?" and I was DETERMINED to make him see me as the whole woman I was. All along, my self-esteem plummeted down to ZERO! I am so ashamed to say that there were shouting matches between his new g.f. and me, still the mother of his children, I had my son and was pregnant with my daughter. It didn't matter. I didn't care about me anymore.
Why would I do that to myself? Why would I hang on to his legs as he tried to walk out the door? I can picture us now, me clinging like a little puppy while he tried to shake me off.
I cried so many tears for so long. I don't cry anymore.
I felt empty.
From my regular 200 I found myself almost at 300, while trying to raise 2 little ones and with hardly a penny to my name. I must have managed to find food to eat myself up to 285 lbs!
What happens in our minds?
Why do we punish ourselves?
As my kids grew and started going out at night, I would prepare myself with my friend to keep my company. I would go buy Oreo cookies and milk, and would stuff my face while they were gone. I convinced myself that I wasnt lonely, I was comfortable with my 'friend'. I didn't feel lonely.
I must have been trying to fill that "void" everyone talks about.
He killed my soul. He killed my spirit. He didn't love himself so how could he love me? Silly girl, took me 20 yrs to find that out.
WHEW, that's a load off my chest.
Oh, the skeletons we have in our closets.
4 years ago