Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Reminiscing...weight issues?

I've been watching Oprah all week. She keeps insisting that the reason we're overweight is because "something" is missing, not because we enjoy eating. I've always said I enjoy eating and that's my reason, BUT...looking back...

I am the "middle" child. For some reason I can look back and remember feeling "all alone". I was the spoiled baby for 8 yrs until my brother was born, everyone talks, and I remember, about me being spoiled by my daddy. Why, then, do I remember feeling "alone" as I went into my teens and early 20's? Looking back, now at 53 yrs old, I can remember looking, looking for 'something', not knowing what. I was always overweight, never did the teen scene, never did the prom, etc. I went on dates, always with the boys who had girlfriends, always on the sly. Never had sex, but always made out with them, and I can definitely remember thinking maybe they would leave their g.f. for me! Never happened.

When I was 21 I lost weight, enough to find a boyfriend. Nice and strong relationship, fast & furious, rush, rush, for a little over a year. Then he lost interest. I was devastated! I threatened suicide! WHAT?!? And I, the big dumb ass, took some pills and wound up in the hospital, stomach pumped, and he left anyway.

2 yrs later I ran into my best friend's old boyfriend. We clicked, started dating, and 5 wks later we moved into an apartment. Now remember, this was back in 1979, you just didn't do that in a teeny tiny town like ours. But we did. And it was doomed from the beginning. But how could I go back? My mother was SO ashamed about what I had done, she barely spoke to me. The in-laws were no better, they wanted money from us for taking care of my husband's daughter, they wanted food from us, they were just horrible to us!

I stuck it out, 2 pregnancies, while he treated me like shit! He drank, called me the most horrible things he could. Meanwhile, all I could yell at him was "Why do you say that to me?!? Don't you see that we're equal?" and I was DETERMINED to make him see me as the whole woman I was. All along, my self-esteem plummeted down to ZERO! I am so ashamed to say that there were shouting matches between his new g.f. and me, still the mother of his children, I had my son and was pregnant with my daughter. It didn't matter. I didn't care about me anymore.

Why would I do that to myself? Why would I hang on to his legs as he tried to walk out the door? I can picture us now, me clinging like a little puppy while he tried to shake me off.

I cried so many tears for so long. I don't cry anymore.

I felt empty.

I ate.
and ate
and ate

From my regular 200 I found myself almost at 300, while trying to raise 2 little ones and with hardly a penny to my name. I must have managed to find food to eat myself up to 285 lbs!

What happens in our minds?
Why do we punish ourselves?

As my kids grew and started going out at night, I would prepare myself with my friend to keep my company. I would go buy Oreo cookies and milk, and would stuff my face while they were gone. I convinced myself that I wasnt lonely, I was comfortable with my 'friend'. I didn't feel lonely.

I must have been trying to fill that "void" everyone talks about.

He killed my soul. He killed my spirit. He didn't love himself so how could he love me? Silly girl, took me 20 yrs to find that out.

WHEW, that's a load off my chest.

Oh, the skeletons we have in our closets.


  1. I am so sorry for all of your pain and loss! I want to give you a hug and be your friend forever! I have a lot of pain in my past and I know how it feels to be missing something. I find that I have been waiting for something. I know what it is and now after years of therapy and even treatment I came to terms that I would not put my life on hold waiting for someone else. Those people are sick. I am not going to be sick waiting for them to change.

    You were so brave to post all of this. It is great to know more about bloggers besides what they eat and how much they workout. Thank you for this post. I felt your sorrow but I also feel your strength.

  2. I've been there with the boys Estela. It took me YEARS to get over one guy who never gave a rat's ass about me. I've been there begging & pleading for someone not to leave. I'm very sad for the me that thought she wasn't worth more than scraps.
    I'm going to start therapy in a couple of weeks to work on changing my thoughts & therefore my feelings about myself.
    Thank you for your raw honesty. It's NOT the food at all. It's pain we're dealing with.
    We're sensitive, loving souls who need healing from the inside.
    We'll get there.

  3. That was a goosebumps provoking post Estela, thank you so much for your honesty. I totally understand why you would want to write this, I wish I were brave enough to do the same. But I'm not yet.

    I am so glad you have realized you are worth way more than that ass. You have come a long way and when you need motivation get strength from what you have already achieved.

  4. Bless you Estela. Your post is from the heart! I had tears because I think each of us have had moments where we give up on ourselves - no matter the reason. It is good though to finally look hard in a mirror and realize that work needs to be done. You can always lose weight, but the real victory is already won - you recognize your strength now. God Bless.

  5. Happy New Year, let's keep up the great losses for 09.

    Stop by when you can!


  6. heart wrenching post.

    Good for you, to have gotten to the place where you have shaken him off....

    things can only get better from there!

  7. I'm an emotional eater. When I feel down and empty, I eat to try to fill the void. It never works, but i do it every time.

    Have a good day.

  8. Thanks so much for your kind words on my post today. I think what you said is what I know I want to do in my heart. Your encouragement is so appreciated.

  9. Estela,
    Wow, I so understand what you are feeling. Its good to get that off your chest. With me, it wasn't guys, I wouldn't let them in (until my husband)...with me it started with my dad.

    Food became my only companion, or at least the companion that was always there in good times and bad.

    IT took a lot of courage to share that story!