Sunday, October 26, 2008

Depressed Today

Looking back, I have fought depression since I was about 21. Not sure why, have been to several drs/psychiatrists/psycholigists, but never could pin it down to anything specific, just a chemical imbalance. I have days when I'm fine, then days when I am just weepy over anything and nothing---today was one of those days.

I had a VIVID nightmare last night. I got hit by a speeding car and I was spinning out of control. The minute that happened, I remember just feeling a relaxation, handing it over to my Heavenly Father, our God, and just started praying, "Our Father, who art in Heaven...", and I remember in my dream praying and repeating, "Thy will be done Lord, Thy will be done", because in my dream I knew I was going to die. That was the moment I woke up. It was a very real dream, like I said, it was SO vivid, I actually head the car crashing into me and I felt the spinning out of control.

I talked with my older brother about it and he says that in spite of my having faith in God, there is obviously something I haven't handed over to Him, something I still want to control. Because in my dream, I remember seeing the car coming and I thought, "I can do I, I'm going to cross", and that was when the car hit me. Indicating I still want to control whatever it is I haven't let go of. But in my dream I instantly gave it up to God, and I have to pray on it, I have to pray to God to open my heart and eyes to what it is that I haven't given up to Him.

I've been weepy all day so I took a Xanax earlier just to relax. I am returning to work tomorrow and am prepared to just "take it easy" and do only what is possible to do in an 8 hr work day. I will leave at 5, no more 6:30 for me, I never got paid overtime anyway. As things come up that I can pass on to one of the 2 clerks in the office, I will do it. I have to accept that no, I can't run the whole office by myself.

Hope everyone has a great week!
Estela in South TX

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