Not happy at all

This will not be a happy post.
I'm depressed.
I've suffered from depression for the last 30+ years. I tried to OD on sleeping pills when I was 21 because a boyfriend broke up with me. Crying out for help. Overnight in the hospital and then just swept it under the rug...it never happened as far as anyone is concerned...never spoke of it, ever, to anyone.
Miserable 4 year marriage from 23 to 28, 2 beautiful children who are now 26 & 28.
Weight loss surgery 7 years ago, lost lots of lbs, gained so much self-confidence, mingled with younger crowd, with bikers at motorcycle fests, did wild things I would never in my wildest dreams imagine doing.
Regained some weight, size XL now, no more size 12, no more pretty dresses. Old woman comfortable shoes and elastic waist pants to work.
Totally depressed. Happy one day, horribly sad the next. Want to shout out with joy with having a good day, want to just stay under the sheets and cry with sadness when having a bad day.
Why can't I find a happy medium?
Damn car accident in June sent me over again, feel like I'm spinning out of control. And I can't even put my finger on it. WHAT IS IT???
Used to take .25 mg of Xanax every now and then, find myself taking .25 at least twice daily just to get by! Found a 2 wk starter pack of Lexapro that doc gave me right after my car accident and took my first pill earlier today. Says should feel a change 2-6 wks after starting.

Everything bothers me, don't want to listen to the radio, kids at work bother me, sometimes I don't even want my 3 year old grandson to talk! And then I feel so guilty because my co-workers 3 year old grandson needs speech therapy because he just babbles, and I complain because mine sings and talks all day. Then today got a complaint from day care...he used the "F" word!!! It's just me, his mom and me at home, and we DO NOT use that word! We respect each other and others, and we would never use that word! I know he doesn't know what it is, but still...

I DON"T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE!! IT"S NOT FUN! Trying to cope with daily life while feeling empty inside is just not right.

Depressed Today

Looking back, I have fought depression since I was about 21. Not sure why, have been to several drs/psychiatrists/psycholigists, but never could pin it down to anything specific, just a chemical imbalance. I have days when I'm fine, then days when I am just weepy over anything and nothing---today was one of those days.

I had a VIVID nightmare last night. I got hit by a speeding car and I was spinning out of control. The minute that happened, I remember just feeling a relaxation, handing it over to my Heavenly Father, our God, and just started praying, "Our Father, who art in Heaven...", and I remember in my dream praying and repeating, "Thy will be done Lord, Thy will be done", because in my dream I knew I was going to die. That was the moment I woke up. It was a very real dream, like I said, it was SO vivid, I actually head the car crashing into me and I felt the spinning out of control.

I talked with my older brother about it and he says that in spite of my having faith in God, there is obviously something I haven't handed over to Him, something I still want to control. Because in my dream, I remember seeing the car coming and I thought, "I can do I, I'm going to cross", and that was when the car hit me. Indicating I still want to control whatever it is I haven't let go of. But in my dream I instantly gave it up to God, and I have to pray on it, I have to pray to God to open my heart and eyes to what it is that I haven't given up to Him.

I've been weepy all day so I took a Xanax earlier just to relax. I am returning to work tomorrow and am prepared to just "take it easy" and do only what is possible to do in an 8 hr work day. I will leave at 5, no more 6:30 for me, I never got paid overtime anyway. As things come up that I can pass on to one of the 2 clerks in the office, I will do it. I have to accept that no, I can't run the whole office by myself.

Hope everyone has a great week!
Estela in South TX

To share

I absolutely LOVE to see other people's photos, so here's a few of mine. Sorry they're so big, I'm just learning my way around this site.





This is me a couple of months ago with roses from my children and my boyfriend for my 53rd birthday.




This is Milo, my 8 month old schnauzer. I had a loyal mutt for 8 yrs, lost him 2 yrs ago, and just this year I felt that I was "ready" for another pet, so my son gifted me with Milo. This was his first grooming session. Notice the look in his eye...Mom!! what did you do to me???!!!

This is my almost 4 y.o. grandson, touching a fish for the first time in his life. Standing with him is his "honorary grandpa", my boyfriend of almost 6 yrs.

This is what I love to do during the summer, spend as much time on the Gulf coast of South TX. This is my relaxation!!

Ryan, still afraid to touch the fish his grandpa caught.

Me and the light of my life, my grandson Ryan, relaxing at Taco Cabaña.

My daughter with Ryan (her son)

Totally confused!

Oh Lord, I transferred my AOL journal over here, and have started following some of my regular blogs, but I didn't know I had to log into blogger to see y'all's updates!! ARGHHH!!! I thought I'd get notified like I did with AOL. Am I doing something wrong?

Then I log into google reader and there y'all are!! All 78 updates I haven't read!! Oh my! I have some serious catching up to do.

I'm so-so computer literate, nothing fancy, but because I just don't sit and learn all those glittery images and such. I know enough to get around, so excuse me while I catch up with everyone.

I've been home for 6 work days and 2 weekends, trying to bring my high blood pressure down, too much, just too much work at work!! I don't know how to delegate, don't know how to ask for help, and in the 19 years I've been the secretary at my campus, I've just acquired more and more responsibilities, until now my principal just expects me to do it all!! I kind of had it out with her last Thursday, and that made me pull back and decide to stay home for a week, after my pressure went high from all the stress. My health is more important than a job that will always be there.!